THE PRESIDENT: Alright, I want all you press homos to sit down, shut up, and listen good, because I swear I'm gonna take my favorite spurs and get all Brokeback Mountain on whoever leaked this NSA bullshit to you. That's right, because the worm who listened to the little angel on his shoulder and blabbed about a program that could possibly maybe one day produce a piece of intelligence that might conceivably prove semi-useful in some way is in deeeeeep crapola. And if I have to bite down on a knife, strip naked, camouflage my body in cocoa butter, and flitter through the hallways of the NSA under cover of darkness on a search and destroy mission, I will. Mr. Leeeeeak-ing Guuuy, come out and plaaaaaa-ay!

I don't know what it is about you fat biddies in the press, but sometimes I just want to whip out the ol' zipper rattler and take a hot, salty, frothy piss all over you goddamned toolboxes. I told them Jews or whoever runs the Old Gray Stank Bitch not to spill the beans about some harmless eavesdropping, but then they went an done it anyways! Holy motherfucking crap! This is National Security, and when National Security is involved, tiny pointless stuff like freedoms go out the window. And that includes all the parts of the Constitution that suggest King President isn't the boss of the nation, and it's His Way or Guantanamo Bay.

Get the GODLY New Book!

I mean – the Constitution was written, what? Six hundred years ago? Back then, nobody used shampoo, mail was delivered via arrow, men married their horses, and representative government was normal. Our forefathers could never have imagined how things have changed! And that's why I should have all the power I need to keep America the 800 pound retard gorilla sitting on a mountain of golden bananas. Because that is our alienable right!

It's not an invasion of privacy to listen into personal phone calls willy-nilly. I mean, maybe an itty-bit, but here's a more important point: death is a bigger invasion of privacy. And I assure you, that if you're a law-abiding, offshore tax-dodging Caucasian country club Christian, you can reasonably assume we're not tapping your phones, or reading your e-mails.

And so I have a simple question to ask the American people: who's going to protect you and your family and your beach homes and cabins and assets from Islamo-Nazism? A bunch of cranky mustachioed dudes in black dresses, like Ruth Bader Ginsberg? Or a couple hundred ass-kissing yes-men in suits who love any chance to jump in front of a camera with Russert the Hutt because it gives them an excuse to spackle on more make-up than a drag queen?

I think you'll agree that for five years and counting, it's been yours truly and his posse done kept them marauding varmints from doing to this country what the Soviet Empire never could: bring it to its knees, Red Dawn-style. And so I stand before you again to defend the tactics I use in order to defend this exclusive Christian co-op I call the "YOOOOO-EESS-AAAYYY."

When it comes to domestic spying, I wish we could scoot and scare up a court order for every eventuality; but you see, such an obstacle would be a major pain in my butthole. So just trust me, because good ol' moi is fighting the good fight. And I'm not fibbing when I say: America is infested with hundreds of thousands of terrorist masterminds with plastique-stuffed lower intestine who love to chit-chat all the livelong day on the telephone.

See, sometimes you have to take away freedom in order to protect FREEDOM^®. It's as simple as that. So write that down and tell your mega-faggy editors in New York City to put it in your shitbox broadsheets or on your stupid TV news shows which are nothing more than advertising filler. G'wan – do THAT.

Meanwhile, I'm going snitch-hunting – just me, a plastic spork tied to the end of a golf club, and all my Secret Service men. And I ain't returning until some fat bean-counter with a comb-over is strapped to the hood of my Presidential limo. Nobody but nobody tells one of my secrets to people who have a right to know what crimes are being committed in their name and with their tax dollars.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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