December 24, 2005

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Jesus Christ,

Holiday -- oopsie, I mean CHRISTMAS (as in "you darn well better be celebrating the love of MY particular Lord or can just shut the H-E-double-L up!") -- Greetings from the Bush Family! We hope that the one and only true Messiah's Birthday finds you and your traditional nuclear family as happy, healthy, and, more importantly, prosperous as our own. As I dictate this letter from the heated outdoor pool here at Camp David, a lovely snow is gently drifting down all around me, and a wonderful, festive-smelling steam is rising from the 100-proof "Jolly Gin" hot toddy I am slurping out of my 72-ounce Thermos.

My goodness, it's so hard to believe that 2005 is already drawing to a close. Why, it seemed like every time George and I had almost caught our heavily-minted breath, I was time for yet another month-long vacation. I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you out there about how exhausting not working can be! Nevertheless, before we hunker down for the serious pre-New Years libations, I wanted to take a minute to send a heartfelt, highly personal family update to you, our dear friend/neighbor/colleague/mother-in-law/patron/sycophant. (Circle One)

George has now been at His current job for almost five whole years. Overall, He continues to enjoy it as much as any of the previous jobs Ma Bar badgered Him into, despite the many frustrating challenges and surprises it presents Him with. If you can believe it – given His landslide 2.7% paperless electronic vote victory last fall – certain fickle busybodies still persist in expecting my hubby to care about anyone's well-being or opinions but His own. But it's like I tell everyone, "Don't feel all put out and angry when George pointedly ignores your advice. Half the time, He even tells Jesus to take a hike -- especially when he is blabbing on about all that New Testament pacifistic, socialist nonsense." Given everything though, I am so proud of George for becoming so comfortable with the job that he is now able to squeeze in time for His beloved mid-day naps - even right smack-dab in the middle of a press conference!

Get the GODLY New Book!

Our darling daughter Jenna has blossomed into ripe and boisterous womanhood, and nary a month goes by when George and I do not marvel at her seemingly limitless capacity for adventure, cover-charges and stimulation. I trust that if you heard recent reports of a cocaine dealer supposedly having Jenna's purse with $1,000 in cash in it, you joined me in a feeling of profound vexation that someone who looks just like my lovely Christian daughter is walking around with her purse and driver's license buying drugs!

I am also proud to report that Jenna has decided to follow in my footsteps, and as such became a teacher nine months ago. In another nine short months, she will have duplicated my interminable teaching career (which is the perfect length for invoking ad nauseum for 30 years!) and will be free to marry her very own impishly handsome, barfing barfly with an endearingly chronic post-nasal drip.

Our other daughter is alive and well – or so the Secret Service told me sometime around March.

Of course, despite all the annoying demands of family and life in Washington, our beloved Scottish Terriers remain the true apples of our eye. That Miss Beazley – what a little spitfire! Just last week, as George and I were enjoying Cabo Wabo Tequilia eggnog shots over breakfast, who should trot up in her little silk Christmas robe but Miss Beazley, proudly bearing a new mahogany chew toy she had gnawed off another John Quincy Adams empire settee. And as for Barney, I am pleased to say that after being dropped on his head by George on that airport tarmac last year, the seizures, blood-vomiting, and priapism have mostly subsided. Besides, it's not like we are hoping for the worst, but George and I both agreed that he will still be absolutely adorable stuffed!

As for me, 2005 was my year to finally unwind and catch up on my beloved reading. As you can imagine, quite a few issues from my subscriptions to McCalls, Reader's Digest and TV Guide had piled up while I was reciting pre-written speeches to all those awful crowds in 2004. So every day this year, I have risen promptly at noon, poured myself an invigorating adult beverage, and worked my nicotine-stained fingers to the bone turning the pages of those poor, neglected periodicals. Mind you, the stench from all those wet, soggy Katrina Negroes almost made me lose my place a couple of times while I was trying to look caring! Fortunately, it's proven such a successful regimen overall, I've decided to extend it straight through 2006!

In closing, I want to thank you on behalf of the entire Bush family for your worshipful and lucrative support throughout 2005. Please don't ever change – we love the money you send us just the way it is!

Yours in Christ,

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