2005 ASIATIC TOUR: PRESIDENT BUSH'S REMARKS ON DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM® DURING HISTORIC VISIT TO MONGOLOIDISTAN
Remarks by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you people of Mongoloidia. It's real great to be here – or
as you folks say it, "Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Me is ataaaaarded!" (Laughs.)
(Boos.)
Yeah, well maybe you'd get it if you weren't.
You know, back home in America, liberals are always saying how they need the right to abortion
so that they can murder sweet little womb boogers that have the Downy Syndrome. They say that
Mongoloids can't take care of themselves, can't function like normal folks. So I always point to
you people as proof positive that Mongoloids can do all kinds of cute little stuff – so
long as you put your flat, sticky foreheads to it. (Thumbs up.)
(Boos.)
OK, actually I don't. Truth is, I didn't even know this country existed until we landed. I
thought my Oriental tour was over, but after making booga-booga faces to the North Koreans, walking
into doors in China, and getting the cold shoulder from all the other leaders at that APEC summit
thing, Condi thought we should swing by someplace where the people are too dumb to get angry –
if only for a cheap photo op with a few yaks.
And I gotta tell you, when I first stepped out of my luxury plane, I almost thought I was back
in Texas – what with barren, bleak, non-arable land stretching all the way to the horizon. Of
course, unlike Texas, there's no underground SUV juice or super-hottie bleach-blonde cheerleaders with
10-gallon titty implants bouncing around. It's no wonder the Sovietskis cut this dump loose!
And so here I am, squinting down at all your blank faces and thinking "Christ, you look like the
bad guys in Lord of the Rings." And then I take comfort in the fact that you don't know my
troubles. How could you know? You speak blabby-blabby-boo-boo and wear mohair suits. And monkey-people,
I gots troubles. I can't leave the White House for five minutes before everybody in Congress goes
yellow-crazy and I have to make speech after speech to soliders ordered to smile and nod while I
repeat "stay the course" over and over and over again.
But since this is a diplomatical event, I do want to emphasize America's and Mongoloidland's common
interests. Because we've got lots of those. We... We ummm... We both eat. And we both sleep.
And uh... we both experience weather. And we both use our super-powerful militaries to violently
crush any country I unilaterally decide is evil. Oh wait, that's just America. (Winks.)
That said, I do want to thank you Mongos for those 150 guys you sent to Iraq to join my "Coalition
of the Willing." Between you and Guatemala and Poland, we have enough dudes to staff the mortuary
that processes freshly killed American GI's. Well, almost enough.
Which reminds me: "FREEDOM®" You see, I've got this stump
speech about FREEDOM® that I've been spewing at every stop on
this trip, but to be honest, I'm tired of blabbing all that long-winded BS – so here's the
ultra-quickie Cliff's Notes version:
"FREEDOM®. FREEDOM®, Democracy,
FREEDOM®! You hear that, China? I'm over here on your continent,
and I'm saying FREEDOM®. Because even though my economic policies
have sold America down the river to you, I am not too afraid to stamp my widdle feetsies and shout "FREEDOM®"
at you. And that means my Texas horse cock is bigger than your skinny-minny Chinky noodle. So there!"
(Silence.)
And that about covers it. I want to thank you for the use of your 747-compatible refueling apparatus.
I'm proud to be the firstest-ever sitting American president to visit the Belgian Mongo – producer
of the world-famous mongo drums – and America is proud to acknowledge your juggernaut Special Olympics team.
Thank you, and may God continue to bless his favorite country America much more than your landlocked wasteland.
(Boos.)
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White House Information:
