SEC. RUMSFELD: Attention Youngsters of America! This September, like every September, marks your annual return
to the classroom. Yet this year also marks something extra special: the first year my beloved Department of Defense will be
furiously exploiting Section 9528 of the "No Child Left Behind" act, which mandates that your school feed all
your little names and personal information into a super-cool Pentagon database. Luckily for you children, this makes
it possible for the thousands of former used car salesmen and unemployed telemarketers who now spearhead
military recruitment to selflessly pressure you into signing the papers you'll need to reserve a thrilling
career (and funeral!) in the United States Armed Forces.
Now as you struggle helplessly to contain your joy over this news, let me add one note of caution. In the days ahead, you
may be confronted by treasonous liberals – perhaps even your own parents – who are determined to
sabotage your gloriously blood-drenched futures. So when somebody limply squeaks
"Leave My Child Alone!" through
their terrorist-fellating, America-despising pieholes, you puff out your little chests and bellow loud and clear,
"ZIP IT, PINKO! Because THIS little FREEDOM®-Lover
is ITCHING TO KILL!!!"
Thank you for listening. Have a good year, and stay in school. Unless you get expelled or drop
out or can't afford college, in which case I've got an M-16 with your name on it. Simply consult the new
federally-mandated posters located throughout your school:
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White House Information:
