THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Good afternoon. Please be seated.

As you know, earlier this week, I stated my desire to see Intelligent Design being taught right alongside evolution in public schools. Now just so we're clear, I want folks to understand that when I say "Intelligent Design," I don't mean it in the same way that some faggy creative director type wearing Woody Allen glasses does when he's talking about how some crappy website or electro-gizmo is easy to use. No, I'm referring to the FACT that humanity was invented, manufactured and distributed exclusively by God from his state-of-the-art mega-factory in the clouds. And while, yes, God Himself did engage in a certain amount of "design," that hardly means He's the kind of Nancy Boy who would subscribe to Architectural Digest or cream His jeans over the latest iMac.

Anyway, today, after having consulted at length with America's most intelligentest Creation Scientists, I am proud to present the evidence that both DISPROVES Darwin's absurd theory of evolution AND will make up the foundation of Intelligent Design Public Education for generations to come! (Applause.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

EVIDENCE OF THE LORD'S BRILLIANT BIOENGINEERING

The Appendix: Often derided by secular scientists as unimportant, the appendix is in fact an essential feature in God's meticulous design for humanity. The Almighty uses this organ, which He non-coincidentally sculpted in the shape of a miniature flaccid penis, to remotely inflict torturous earthly pain on all who displease Him. Wisdom Teeth: Contrary to the preposterous notion that the human jaw bone has somehow grown incrementally smaller over the course of untold millennia, God took great pride in carefully programming our DNA to cause at least one impacted wisdom tooth in 90% of adults. He did this in order to assure a bright and promising future for another of his intelligent creations: orthodontia. The "Tail Bone": Though it has labored under the double indignity of TWO anti-Christian labels: the evolution-implying "tail bone" and egregiously lewd "coccyx", this ingeniously sensitive spinal tip was installed by God specifically for occasions when your rollerskates fly out from under you while you're doing the Hokey-Pokey – so you'll land on something that punishes you for acting like white trash. Man Nipples: While know-nothing scientists might point to the man-teat's inability to lactate as clear evidence of its nipple's superfluousness, God felt it wise to include an aesthetic nod to the lesser gender's mammaries on his otherwise superior male model, if for no other reason than to attract would-be lesbians to their rightful place: squatting spread-eagle atop a hunka hunka burnin' man. Hybrid Excretory/Reproductive Organs: The Almighty created humanity in His own perfect, infallible image. Yet inasmuch as He lives forever, and can create people just by snapping His fingers, He doesn't need to have disgusting sex. And since He doesn't eat, He doesn't need to go tinkle or doody either. These minor differences required last-minute, albeit still perfect modifications to His miraculous design. And while liberal academics suggest that excretory and reproductive functions would be kept separate in any truly "intelligent" design, in God's mind, boys' willies and girls' hoo-hoos have but ONE function: expelling sundry sticky and smelly juices, semi-solids, and screeching little sinners. The Narrow Birth Canal: When the Lord first designed woman – using His Original Recipe Disembodied Rib, His only intention was for Eve to sit around in the Garden of Eden being inferior and keeping the place clean. Hence, instead of providing her with the same sturdy crotch tool as Adam, He gave her nothing but an empty, dank, teeny-tiny little hole. Soon thereafter, God intelligently designed the "episiotomy" childbirth procedure – in order to punish Eve's entire gender for all eternity for her being such a cock-teasing slut. Tender Feet: In leaving human feet free of paw pads or tough, horse-like hooves, the Lord rendered our solitary means of locomotion highly susceptible to injury – thereby programming us to covet leather, calfskin, and/or snakeskin cowboy boots. Subsequently, man slaughters countless beasts for their hides, simultaneously asserting our iron-fisted dominion over all the earth.

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help