THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon! Thank you, boys! Wow, have I died and gone to Brown Shirt Heaven here? There's no whiny broads or atheists or faggots as far as the eye can see!

(Laughter and Applause.)

Now as you know, I was scheduled to be here last week, but when I heard how the Good Lord had started zapping and cooking you all with those invisible death rays He shoots out of His ginormo fingers, I figured I'd should steer clear until He'd finished taking out the trash – working as He does in His mysterious ways. So I appreciate you puberteens cutting me a rain check. Like you had any choice. (Winks.)

(Applause.)

And while we're clapping, let's give a nice hand to the Boy Scouts leadership for their hard work planning and organizing everything here. Compared to this jamboree, my war in Iraq is running smoother than a stripper's freshly waxed taint.

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(Laughter.)

But seriously, Americans from sea to shining sea really do appreciate the Boy Scouts – this hallowed, all-male, exclusively Christian institution led by paunchy, vociferously anti-homo middle-aged men who like holding sleepovers with large groups of little boys. Or was that the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston? Whatever. Same difference, right? Better keep your peepers on your poopers, fellas! (Snickers.)

Yes, for nearly a hundred years, the Boy Scouts have served the invaluable role of indoctrinating generations of Americans into gender-based separatism and stereotypes. And even though I myself quit the distressingly bourgeois Cub Scouts in order to pursue cheerleading and fencing at my elite boarding schools, I'm still pleased to stand here today and soak up your quasi-fascist adulation.

(Applause.)

As you know, preserving our country's traditions and heritage is awful important. Which is why I find it so comforting to see you boys here, earning merit badges in cool dude stuff like axe tossing and assault rifle training, while your weak and inferior sisters are home playing with dolls and hawking cookies and having periods and stuff.

(Applause.)

As our nation's premier Christian paramilitary youth organization, the Boy Scouts serves an crucial role in setting today's pre-men down a nationalistic path that will culminate in their eagerness to become America's crusading Arab killers of tomorrow. Which is why it's so gosh-darned appropriate that this sectarian adolescent army should be holding its annual God-devoted war games here – on a genuine U.S. military base, with the taxpayers footing the $7 Million bill!

(Applause.)

And let me tell you, it's $7 Million well spent. A real bargain, especially considering the Pentagon's current budget for recruitment advertising on Cartoon Network!

So in honor of this here Jamboree and all of you taut, rambunctious once-and-future Marines, I would like to officially announce the following all-new badges: Foxhole Digging, Interrogation, the 100 Yard NAMBLA Dash, and Sucking Chest Wound First Aid. These will replace the femmy sewing, cooking, and birdwatching badges.

(Applause.)

As Commander in Chief, I can't tell you how proud I am of you young fellas for "wearing the uniform." Because when you join a Scout troop and put on the Boy Scout uniform, you make a statement. Your uniform is a sign that you're a certain kind of citizen – militaristic, unquestioning, a malleable group-thinker who isn't embarrassed to don polyester slacks and a bolo kerchief.

And that, my starry-eyed Bush Youth, is what FREEDOM^® is all about. Or at the very least, working for the Post Office.

Thanks for having me tonight. May Jesus bless you all, and may Jesus continue to bless the men and boys of the United States of America.

(Applause.)

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