AL QAEDA COCAINE PLOT THWARTED, PRESIDENT REASSURES JITTERY PUBLIC OF THE SAFETY OF AMERICA'S BOOGER SUGAR SUPPLY
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Please be seated – unless you're zooming too hard to sit still. Then just do
like me, and hold on to a podium for dear life while your feet twitch around frantically off-camera.
Minutes ago, I held an emergency meeting with key White House staff,
along with officials from the Food & Drug Administration and Department of Homeland Security. Our focus: news of the horrifying and
diabolical plot
by Osama al ZarHussein to kill untold thousands of teeth-grinding Wall Street investment bankers and
Izod-wearing country club trustafarians by covertly slipping toxic poisons into foreign shipments of
Grade A South American hocaine.
God, what kind of insidious evil is next? Planes loaded with delicious kilos of yayo careening into a
Super Bowl stadium packed with skinny blonde cheerleaders with blue eyes and gleaming ivory chiclet teeth?
THAT WOULD BE THREE TIMES THE EVIL OF 9/11!
Of course, I also realize that if this fun powder plot had succeeded, thousands of pinko movie stars, swishy magazine
editors, smarmy network news producers, and bleeding heart rock and rollers would also be dead. And while that's certainly
not a bad thing... well... I just also worry about my girls. (Dabs Away Tear.)
Yes, the terrorists hate everything about our FREEDOM® – even our FREEDOM®
Felonies. But today, as America's first President who is on record as having "not used any illegal drugs since 1974," I want
to assure the public that my administration is doing everything in its power to preserve the safety of this
vital and economy-boosting staple. And fortunately, at this time, I am pleased to say that all evidence points to
Al Kaylar having failed to make our nation's supply of tax-free nose candy anything other than awesome.
I'd like to give a big shout out, a "muchos gracias", if you will to the business-oriented drug lords of South
America for not agreeing to be complicit in the mass murder of their customers. Thanks to them, we can continue
to funnel billions of dollars into the ultra-successful "War on Drugs." Anyway, who in their right mind would
hope to wipe out an entire social class by planting mega-fatal drugs? Except the CIA?
And so at this time, I urge all Americans who can afford to pay $100/gram for turbo-charged nostril dandruff, to go about
indulging their insatiable appetites for pleasure – because to do otherwise would be to grant the evildoers a
victory. Whether that means huffing a fat line, rolling a tasty coolie, or even my old favorite: dusting down your nookie
noodle before drilling some Tijuana hooker – only you have the FREEDOM® to decide.
Now all that said, in the highly unlikely event that the enemy one day achieves its sickening and wasteful goal, I want Americans to
take comfort in the knowledge that I, your President, stand prepared to personally tap into America's strategic cocaine
reserve – the quality of which I can assure everyone is majorly top-notch. (Sniffs.) (Winks.)
Thank you, and God Bless Colomb— I mean America.
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White House Information:
