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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - July 7, 2005 - 1:30 P.M. (LOCAL)

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. This morning, a series of bombs were detonated across the horse-drawn subway system of London. At this time, I just want to say to the people of England that even though America still holds the record for the biggest, most giganticest and most eye-popping terror attack, we nevertheless sympathize with you in your hour of pain because you folks always seem to do things in a smaller way that still seems important to you.

I realize that today's events change things in Britain. For instance, in the future, in addition to Nine-ElevenTM, you'll also talk about the all-new "Seven-Seven." And that will be hard, especially if you're like me, a guy for whom two sevens has always meant an invigorating beverage that mom slugs from a crystal tumbler every morning at breakfast. But we will adapt. Because circumstances demand we must. Maybe next time it will be "Seven-Eleven," which will be a whole lot easier to remember. Every "Big Gulp" will be like a really convenient and refreshing memorial service.

I also think I speak for all English-speaking persons when I say, it's days like this make all of us so confident in the wisdom and effectiveness of our strategy to "take the battle to the terrorists." Clearly, by killing tens of thousands of their civilians over the past four years, we have weakened our enemies to the point where they can never again fly planes into New York's World Trade Center. We have driven them underground. Or, more precisely, into your Underground.

Moving forward, despite today's events, I have confidence in Britain's future. Why? Because unlike your age-old, swarthy enemies the Spanishese, you Limeys will not blink and promptly stage an electoral coup just because of a few measly transit bombs. And why not? Because your elections already happened!

And that means one thing: even if you're now too afraid to commute to work, you're still riding the USA Crusader Express for the foreseeable future. And as such, I'd like to offer five America-tested tips on how to make the coming months and years of post-terror living as productive and meaningful as possible:

  1. Rally behind your suddenly non-poodly leader, and DO NOT QUESTION HIM.
  2. Refrain from any and all analysis of events which are more complex than "THEY HATE FREEDOM."
  3. Turn in droves to jingoistic, Rupert Murdoch-owned media outlets.
  4. Smother your funny-looking Rovers and MGs and Minis with plenty of "We Will Not Forget" and "I Support..." ribbons.
  5. Thirst for the blood of the oil-hoarding sand heathens.

Yes, just follow those simple steps, and before you know it, everything will be peachy keen. Because haven't you heard? We're WINNING the super-successful War on Terror, and the enemy is in its weak and powerless death throws. It's true! Would I lie to you? (Winks.)

Oh, and to all those Englandish people who died today for my inerrant decision to blow the crap out of Iraq, I want to extend a throaty Texas "THANKY, PARDNER!" (Thumbs Up.)


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