OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT OF CLOSED DOOR DIPLOMATIC NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN PRESIDENT BUSH AND HIS BESTEST KGB HATCHET MAN PAL, PRESIDENT VLADIMIR POOTY-POOT
Official Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
THE PRESIDENT: We, uh, we all alone?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: Phew. You have NO idea how rough I've got it back in the States. Zilch. At least here, nobody bats
an eyelash if, like, for instance, some smart-mouth journalist gets justifiably banished to an arctic gulag for a decade or four of
forced labor and torture.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: I mean, you know when I get all high and mighty and start lecturing you about democracy and
shit like that, I'm just doing it cuz I have to.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: And I sure am pleased as church punch that you done let me and Laura crash here with you, Vladdy-boy.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: Nice dacha.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: That's like commie for "condo," right?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: Did I thank you for letting me tool around in your goofy little Sovietmobile? That sure was fun. Scared
the fuck out of the press when we gunned it straight at 'em!
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: I look forward to the parade in Red Square. I love a parade.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: My pappy fought in Dubya Dubya Dos. He was a hero.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: And thanks bunches for letting me sit next to you. I know there are all these world leaders coming to
commemorate the sacrifices you snow monkeys made, getting killed over and over again, buying time so our boys
could swoop in and kick Nazi ass.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: So I suppose we should talk about stuff. Like you selling missiles to Syria, and playing footsie with
countries that are a thorn in my side.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Nyet.
THE PRESIDENT: Well then how about your interview on CBS the other night — where you dissed our busted electoral college
and brought up that whole Supreme Court thing that you KNOW gets under my skin. Can we at least talk about that?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Nyet.
THE PRESIDENT: OK, nukular stuff. Will you beef up your security so your old weapons stop showing up on the black market?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Nyet.
THE PRESIDENT: Alright. Whatever. I mean, it's hardly worth the effort anyhoo, what with me scooting over to Georgiastan tomorrow and
like, pissing you off by talking trash about the Soviets and how awesome America is and crap like that.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: Man, you and me are real good at this diplomacy thing, huh?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: So what do we do now?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: You want toast marshmallows?
THE PRESIDENT: Sweet!
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Wodka?
THE PRESIDENT: You got any beer?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: No shit? Is it Lone Star?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: Awesome! Well since we ain't gonna accomplish squat, we might as well flip on the boob tube too, huh Vlad?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: I have special edition platinum DVD Rocky IV. We watch this while our marital cows graze.
THE PRESIDENT: Widescreen?
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Da.
THE PRESIDENT: [YEE-HAWS] Let's roll! [Kicks up feet.]
You know something, Pooty? I always secretly rooted for Ivan Drago over that swarthy Filthadelphia dago.
[HIGH FIVES]
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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