CONGRESSMAN DeLAY: Good afternoon. Now before any of you liberal media attack poodles start scribbling your lies and twisting my words, let's get a couple things straight:

Firstly, y'all would do well to remember that I'm like a Southwestern horny toad. I'm ugly, thorny, eat insects, and if you don't back off, I will squirt a stream of hot blood from my eyes straight into your mouth. But unlike a horny toad, I can also dispatch a horde of congressional lackeys to root through your IRS files and financial statements to kill you to death with a thousand paper cuts. (Laughs.)

Secondly, my talking here today is in no way statement on that backstabbing, partisan stuff that did or didn't happen ever. So don't ask no questions about things that I just plum don't want to talk about. Because I am accountable to just three people: Jesus Christ, Denny Hastert, and George W. Bush, who graciously allowed me to make these statements from the White House, proving yet again that America's forefathers intended for all noble power to be centralized into the clammy hands of a select few blue-eyed golf partners.

That said, I am here today to announce a brand new ethical Code of Conduct for the House. These new rules have absolutely nothing to do with whatever slanderous bull hockey you spineless little cockroaches are cooking up with that socialist dyke Nancy Pelosi in order to take my cracker ass down. So digest these rules. Report them. And pray to whatever faggot gods you hold holy that I don't come after you and squirt my poisonous artery mud all over your screaming mulatto babies.

Get the GODLY New Book!

REVISED CODE OF ETHICAL CONDUCT Effective April, 2005

There is hereby adjusted by and for the House of Representatives the following code of conduct, to be known as the "Code of Official Conduct": A Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives shall conduct himself at all times in a manner which shall reflect creditably on the House of Representatives — except for pudgy, suburban Houston cockroach hunters named Tom DeLay. A Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives shall adhere to the spirit and the letter of the Rules of the House of Representatives and to the rules of duly constituted committees thereof — except for glistening, judiciary-threatening Christian soldiers named Tom DeLay. A Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives shall receive no compensation nor shall he permit any compensation to accrue to his beneficial interest from any source, the receipt of which would occur by virtue of influence improperly exerted from his position in the Congress — except for rotund, gerrymandering legislative stalkers named Tom DeLay. A Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives shall not accept gifts except as provided by the provisions of rule LI (Gift Rule) — except for squinty-eyed Russian lobbyist fraternizers named Tom DeLay. A Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives shall accept no honorarium for a speech, writing for publication, or other similar activity — except for NRA-fellating, Vietnam combat-evaders named Tom DeLay. A Member of the House of Representatives shall keep his campaign funds separate from his personal funds. A Member shall convert no campaign funds to personal use in excess of reimbursement for legitimate and verifiable campaign expenditures and shall expend no funds from his campaign account not attributable to bona fide campaign or political purposes — except for master nepotism practitioners named Tom DeLay. A Member or officer of the House of Representatives shall retain no one under his payroll authority who does not perform official duties commensurate with the compensation received in the offices of the employing authority — except for serial charity-flavored money laundromat founders named Tom DeLay. A Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives shall not discharge or refuse to hire any individual, or otherwise discriminate against any individual with respect to an individual's race, color, religion, sex, handicap, age, or national origin — except for halitosis-venting leaders of 75% white Congressional Districts named Tom DeLay. A Member of the House of Representatives who has been convicted by a court of record for the commission of a crime for which a sentence of two or more years' imprisonment may be imposed should refrain from participation in the business of each committee of which he is a member and should refrain from voting on any question at a meeting of the House — except for vegetard-humping McJesus zombies named Tom DeLay. Before any Member, officer, or employee of the House of Representatives may have access to classified information, the following oath (or affirmation) shall be executed: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will not disclose any classified information received in the course of my service with the House of Representatives, except as authorized by the House of Representatives or in accordance with its Rules — unless I am leech on the bung of democracy named Tom DeLay.."

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