THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, gentlemen. It's always a pleasure to be among my good friends from America's wonderful consumer credit industry. I want to thank you high finance boys for everything you did for my recent campaign's balance sheet. Sure, the McJesus whackos think I owe my reelection to them, but who are they kidding? It's not their twitching hand I have to wrench out of my puppet-hole every time I go to pinch a steamer, is it? No, it's yours! (Winks.)

(Applause.)

And may I say what a exquisitely manicured and callous-free hand it is.

(Laughter.)

Anyway, today I'm very pleased to tell you that that wonderful bankruptcy bill which you boys were so nice to save us Republicans the trouble of actually having to write, is zooming its way through Congress towards my desk, where I will be plenty tickled to scribble my John Hardcock and banish that Chapter 7 bankruptcy business once and for all.

(Applause.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

Yes, because we all know that unlike corporate bankruptcy, which righteously protects and reinforces the capitalistic foundation upon which our noble exploitocracy is built, personal bankruptcies are nothing more than a bleeding heart liberal handout to lazy liars and hypochondrialistics.

(Applause.)

Indeed, you good credit card folks and your predatory marketing departments selflessly bombard common rabble with weekly pre-approved offers to take deep hits of high-interest fiscal crack, and how do they repay you? With pathetic poormouthing?

(Boos.)

I hear you, boys. That's why come October of 2005, no longer will these crooked skinflints, who are made up overwhelmingly of selfish cancer patients and crybaby disabled war veterans, be able to take advantage of your good will when it comes time to pay the piper.

(Applause.)

Yes, with Chapter 7 a thing of the past, rather than shedding their debts, America's most economically damaged will remain beholded to you, for every last cent of their spendthrift splurgings on unessential nonsense like food, housing, and non-universal health care. As well it should be, too. After all, who do these people think they are — getting terminal illnesses and having no choice but to spend themselves into an economic black hole with no hope of recovery?

I mean, it would be one thing if they were me, doing that with the federal government as part of a nefarious conspiracy to implode that goddamned touchy-feely social safety net built by the Communist-fellating Democratic heroes Franklin Roosevelt and Lyndon Johnson.

But they're not me. And so they'll have to toil, scrape, and suffer to repay my good buddies at Visa, Mastercard, and American Express — for so long as they all shall live. And when they die, I also hereby grant you boys the authority to dispatch repo men to America's funeral parlors, to harvest any jewelry or golden dental work, proceeds from whose sale may be applied to any posthumous outstanding balances.

(Applause.)

Hell, while we're at it, why not take the whole body? You can melt the skin and muscle right off the bones and hawk the skeletons on eBay.

(Cheers and Applause.)

Whatever makes you boys happy.

Thank you, and may God continue to bless and enrich Ameri— I mean, US.

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