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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 31, 2005 - 3:24 P.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT BUSH AND CONGRESSIONAL LEADERS CONVENE TO PRAY AND SHED GENUINE, NON-CROCODILE TEARS OVER THE PASSING OF OLD VEGGIE McWHATSERFACE DOWN IN FLORIDA
Official State Prayer by the Ruling Party

THE PRESIDENT: Reverend Dr. Bill. Poor persecuted Tom DeLay. My fellow political chicken littles. Assembled McJesus hucksters who've turned a brain dead husk of human being in a national wedge issue...

Let us all bow our heads and pray...

Dear Lord Jesus Christ: the Only Legitimate Savior for Anyone Who Claims to be American,

We stand here today, in the Holy Glow of Fox News BetaCam lights, mere hours after the death of that Sherry Taivo broad, in a solemn performance of mourning for the benefit of the tongues-talking, snake-handling American Taliban contingent, without whose votes we might not otherwise suckle orgiastically at the engorged, hairy man-teat of corporate largesse.

CONGRESSMAN DELAY: Praise!

THE PRESIDENT: Hear us oh Lord, we, your most faithfulest servants, who do loudly proclaim our devotion
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through the soaringly vacuous oratory to which you are accustomed. Please Lord, we do humbly beseech You to follow in the noble Florsheim footprints of Your beloved Republican culture warriors, and dare not divert Your divine attention – even for one nanosecond – from the all-important passing of Tevvy Schairo.

Verily, though the temptation to focus elsewhere is great, oh Lord, know that like us, Your mighty powers mustn't be squandered on such frivolous trifles as saving the lives of untold thousands in Darfur, or Baghdad, or Phuket, or in for-profit hospitals' emergency rooms.

SENATOR DR. FRIST: Amen!

THE PRESIDENT: Oh Lord, nor should your cherubic armies of angels be bothered to shrink pediatric tumors, feed the hungry, or give non-illusory hope to the despondent, the downtrodden, or negroid dimebag dealers on death row whose public defenders rightly eschew the Darwinistic fallacy of "DNA evidence."

CONGRESSMAN DELAY: Hallelujah!

THE PRESIDENT: Furthermore Lord, should your angelic winged minion-slaves dare to squander simulated benevolence outside Pinellas Park, Florida, we trust they shall suffer Your Godly conservative wrath – hopefully in the form of drastically reduced angel wages and retirement benefits.

Please heed our call, oh Lord, for though the glistening meatloaf that fifteen long years ago was Terri Schlomo's body, has today expired, viciously murdered by Ted "King Liberal" Kennedy, we entreat you oh Lord, during this the Easter season, to pull that poor zombie's soul back down from Heaven to resume blissful occupancy within its rightful poundcake of a body. Only then Lord, can You proceed to drain Kerri's skull of the gallons of spinal fluid therein, and cause her brain stem to extrude cerebral cortex like so much marshmallow in a Keebler Pinwheel cookie.

SENATOR DR. FRIST: A distinct medical possibility!

THE PRESIDENT: And then Lord, let Mel Gibson pay handsomely for the rights to whatsername's parents' story, so that The Passion of the Terri can enjoy record-breaking DVD sales, and the Schindler family can reap unimaginable royalties – 15% of which will be tithed to the re-election campaigns of my political brethren.

CONGRESSMAN DELAY: (Sobs, lifts sweaty palms heavenward.)

THE PRESIDENT: And finally, oh Lord most merciful, give Terri Hiho's evil husband cancer. A super-duper painful kind that lingers for decades. And unlike him, let not his commonlaw wife withstand the barrage of vindictive lies leaked to a bloodthirsty press, and let her abandon him – so that he may fulfill his wife's destiny of spending all eternity as the drooling, objectified icon of "Life" in the minds of your glassy-eyed, trailer-dwelling supplicants.

Amen.

(Applause.)

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