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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 27, 2005 - 9:02 A.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT'S EASTER STATEMENT COMMEMORATING THE 1975th ANNIVERSARY OF JESUS CHRIST'S MAGICAL REANIMATION INTO AN ÜBER-RIGHTEOUS ZOMBIE OF SALVATION
Statement by the President

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believeth in me shall not suffer taxes, even if he liveth in opulence. George 11:25

THE PRESIDENT: Today, we celebrate the 1975th anniversary of the debut of Jesus Christ's blockbuster Night of the Living Dead prequel, "Easter" – a gripping tale of triumph in the age-old face of betrayal and gleeful murder by Jews. Indeed, for Christ so loved the world, He also had the foresight to launch an ingenious grassroots publicity campaign for Easter, shrewdly designed to overcome the Jewish stranglehold of the 1st Century news media.

Yes, through His expertly choreographed triumph over death, Christ assured the long-term viability of His fledgling religious cult, setting the stage for Christianity's global dominance over such fly-by-night, penne ante superstitions as "Buddhism" and "Hinduastrianism." In Jesus' teachings, the poor have found acquiescence, the enlightened have found persecution, and the Global Coalition of McJesus Wholesalers have found a fabulously successful formula for evading taxes and leasing Mercedes Benzes. And today, the words of Christ continue their proud tradition as easily perverted weapons of mass anesthetization, expertly wielded by all manner of opportunistic hucksters, political hypocrites, and dress-wearing Catholic child humpers.

During this holy season of ham and chocolate gluttony, we thank God for His seemingly limitless ability to simultaneously get credit for the good stuff, yet still "work in mysterious ways" when tragedy befalls us. We also toss in a gratuitous reference to our disposable grunts in the Armed Forces, thereby scoring political points, as well as lending a whisper of validity to a proclamation which otherwise spits a fat snotty lugie in the face of the Constitutional separation of church and state.

Laura and I wish you all a Happy Miraculous Resurrection of the One and Only True Lord Jesus H. Christ.

GEORGE W. BUSH

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