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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 19, 2005 - 10:06 A.M. (EST)

SAVING TERRI SCHIAVO: PRESENTING INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF THAT EVERY LIFE HAS WORTH, PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES "66 USES FOR PERSISTENT VEGETARDS"
Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Today, with the help of breathless, non-stop coverage by the cable news media, America stands transfixed by word that once again, Florida's judiciary has ruled that Terri Schiavo's feeding tube be removed. Well unlike those "activist judges," I believe that folks like Ms. Schiavo, who has spent the past fifteen dignity-filled years efficiently converting bio-gruel into diarrhea, still have so very much to offer the world.

Fortunately, although Terri's Law has been declared unconstitutional, "State's Rights" Republicans are boldly forging ahead with a new Federal bill that will effectively firebomb Florida's anti-Christian sovereignty once and for all – legislation that Jesus and I will happily sign once it reaches our desk. In the meantime, I am pleased to present the results of an all-night telephone brainstorming session by me, my baby brother Jebber, and Operation Rescue founder Randal Terry: "66 Uses for Persistent Vegetards." I think folks will find it's a real useful guide for the forced application of my trademark brand of "compassion." Thank you.

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66 USES FOR PERSISTENT VEGETARDS
1. Political Chess Piece
2. Beanbag Chair
3. Cat Scratching Post
4. Firewood Caddy
5. Elevator Counterweight
6. O2 / CO2 Converter
7. In-Sinkerator
8. "Resusci-Terri" Doll
9. Cosmetology Practice Bust
10. Sofa Ottoman
11. Draize Tester
12. Percussion Instrument
13. Throw Pillow
14. Puppy Teething Toy
15. Lawn Sculpture
16. Conversation Piece
17. Air Freshener
18. Paperweight
19. Umbrella Stand
20. Bottle Opener
21. Flypaper
22. Fertilizer Factory
23. Garden Hose Spool
24. Surrogate Mommy for Hire
25. Preschool Jungle Gym
26. Chicken Egg Incubator
27. Ashtray
28. Glove Mold
29. Shoe Tree
30. Punching Bag
31. Mousetrap
32. Candelabra
33. Florida Voter
34. Coat Rack
35. Stash Box
36. Whiteboard
37. Christmas Tree
38. Yogurt Maker
39. Scarecrow
40. Carpool Lane Passenger
41. Coal Mine Canary
42. Space Heater
43. Fangoria Cover Model
44. Mystery Meat
45. Boat Anchor
46. "Hannity & Schiavo"
47. Doorstop
48. National Intelligence Czar
49. Organ Farm
50. Minesweeper
51. Speedbump
52. Deep Sea Fishing Lure
53. Jello Mold
54. Wetnurse
55. Insulation
56. Support for Shelves
57. Ironing Board
58. Anvil
59. Cider Press
60. Pez Dispenser
61. Minature Golf Obstacle
62. Compost Turner
63. Medicine Ball
64. Cutting Board
65. Home Methane Farm
66. Swift Boat Veteran for Truth

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