KAREN HUGHES: Good morning. Boy oh boy, it sure is good to be back. It seems like a million years since I left, banished to the barren political wilderness that is "spending more time with my family." So I can't tell you how happy I was when President Bush called to give me this new Muslamian education gig – because heck, if I was able to convince American voters that Jesus Christ was a fuck-the-poor, warmongering temple merchant with a smile and a wink, then I can sure as shootin' convince those savage, sub-Mexican Ali Babas that their blood puddle-dotted, concrete and dirt hell on earth can be a super-groovy, hand-holding democratic paradise!

Now in lieu of having any experience or boring stuff like an undergrad degree in Foreign Affairs, I've spent the past week learning all I can about those BO-challenged Middle Easternites. And after watching Governor Schwarzenegger's True Lies thirty or forty times, I think I've come up the perfect messages to get Arabiacs to like America. Here they are!

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