THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. I'm going to dispense with the usual blabbity-blab and just cut to the chase here – because today's GOP message of the day is just three simple words: "No Nukes for Iran."

(Applause.)

That's right. We know they're working on building them, just like Saddam was, and we're not going to stand for it. And trust me, we have indisputable proof – that will actually pan out this time!

(Applause.)

That's why today, what with us having no formal diplomatic channels, I want to speak out into the air through these television cameras to tell the Iranistazi moo-lahs that they had damned well better wake up, comb the goat fleas out of their skeezy beards, and listen good:

America (that's me) says "No nukular weapons for you!" Or else. Of course, by "or else," I don't necessarily mean "go ahead with my current plan to launch stealth bombers this summer and

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bring the entire world to the brink of annihilation." No, no, not that at all. That's right, I actually want to use "diplomacy" to "negotiate." (Snickers.)

(Applause.)

Sure, I know those Iranistazis drive a hard bargain. My poppy told me all about how he and Uncle Ronnie had a real bitch of a time back in 1980 convincing them to keep those American hostages in bondage until after the polls closed on election day. You see, the Iraniacs knew they had the power to make that peanut-toothed sissy Jimmy Carter go down in flames, but they wanted all kinds of crazy stuff in return. Fortunately, dad and his CIA buddies snookered them into accepting a puny little arms trading deal – which I'm told actually came in handy later – something about a little Mexican town called Nigger-Agua (Laughs.) So yeah, I know what I'm up against here, but I'm plenty confident, too.

(Applause.)

At this point, it's worth mentioning how it's no coincidence that God punished Iran yesterday with another deadly earthquake – just thirteen months after the first one. Why just this Sunday, when God was dictating my weekly to-do list, He told me to warn Iran that they'd better not try to sneak into the super-cool nukular clique – because He founded that for His favorite country America back in 1945, and hell if He wants any greasy Allah-Babas hanging out in there! And then God said, "Come to think of it, the day before you warn them, I'm gonna smack down those sand monkeys with another earthquake so they know we're not fucking around." (Laughs.)

But back to that whole "diplomacy" thing. I really think I can get through to them. That's right, because even after all my inflammatory "evildoers" and "killers" rhetoric, there's still some common ground me and the Iranistazis can meet on. After all, who are these moo-lahs if not just a bunch of greedy old sumbitches wrapping themselves in a twisted cloak of crackpot nationalism and self-serving piety? And my friends, I happen to know a thing or two about that. (Winks.) Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if them moo-lahs turned out to be my long-lost cousins! (Laughs.)

Anyway, in the end, with help from Germany, Russia, and others, America will get its wish for a nukular-free Iran. After all, who should the world the trust as the arbiter of which countries are too dangerous to have nukular weapons? Why, the one country that actually used them to kill hundreds of thousands of people, of course! Because we have experience with them, which makes us automatically trustworthy. And that's why I'll never understood why any dumb foreigner would think they need nukular bombs of their own to protect themselves. I mean, protect themselves from WHO? (Rolls eyes.)

So yeah. Listen up, Iraniacs. No nukes for you. End of story. Because I say so. And I have way more than you could ever hope to build anyway. And some kickin' missiles. And stealth bombers. So just do what I say. Or I will personally tell Jesus's Daddy to earthquake your America-hating, evildoer asses YET AGAIN!

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God bless America.

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