THE PRESIDENT: Coach Bulldog, Uncle Cheney Sir, Republican toadies, adorable Democratic eunuchs, couch potatoes splattered in Lean Cuisine pasta sauce who will watch me for five minutes, then flip to an infomercial about a whisk/spatula combo:

As a new Congress gathers, all of us in the elected branches of government share a great privilege: we've been placed in office by the votes of the people we serve, namely, a bunch of Lexus-driving doughy dudes holding court naked in the power saunas of Wall Street and Houston, whose unflappable sense of personal Manifest Destiny helps them justify hijacking our democracy with gajillions of dollars in over-produced televisual free speech. (Applause.)

And tonight that is a privilege we share with newly-elected leaders of – and listen carefully, because I'm like, mega-loathe to repeat the names of these budget lampreys – Afghanistan (soon to be "New Midland"), the Palestinian Territories (soon to be "Israel"), Ukraine (a country curiously full of funny-talking white people), and a free and democratic Iraqistan... or as I like to call it, "Deadwood."

Tonight, with an economy improving for those in this elite chamber (and our golfing buddies), with tens of dozens of our finest minimum wage jobs still not outsourced to India, with our nation an unstoppable force for spreading bedrock values like empty consumerism, hypocritical moral posturing, and cottage cheese-assed morbid obesity – the state of our union is once again provincial and hubristic. In short, Bush America ROCKS! (Fraternityesque Partisan Hooting.)

You know, us Baby Boomers have been blessed. Blessed by the expansion of opportunity bought at the expense of our children. Blessed by advances in medicine such as Viagra and Zoloft. Blessed by the security purchased by our parents' sacrifices in wars that actually mattered. And now, after all those years of us wallowing in patchouli, Led Zeppelin, cocaine, and MEMEMEME, we're finally showing our parents that we're just as badass, noble, and moral as they were. So thank you Pappy for your war stories, but now we got our own. So suck on that Mr. Turkey Neck and shut the fuck up already. It's us who's the Greatestest Generation now! (Applause.)

Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror – or a lot of gray – (Riotous Laughter) – and we watch our children moving into adulthood (and sometimes adult cinema), we ask the question: What will be the state of their union? Will they kick up their heels on thrones of skulls and rule the scorched Earth with cyborg talon fists? Or will cursed liberalism prevail?

To ensure it doesn't, we need to keep our economy flexible, innovative, and competitive, but not too flexible, innovative, or competitive. In the past four years, we provided tax relief to every person who pays income taxes. We also provided tax relief to corporations who somehow think they're above paying for a war that is so much fun to talk about over cigars and cognac.

We've overcome a recession, mainly by pretending it isn't there. We've opened up new markets abroad, such as the bullet markets in the Middle East, and the American job markets in Asia. We've prosecuted corporate criminals and forced them to pay back a little bit of the money they stole in exchange for a friendly thwack on the heiny and a stern winking to. And in the last year alone, the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs, proving that small, dubious, press-release friendly accounting miracles can happen.

Get the GODLY New Book!

America's prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government. Of course, I say this free of irony, as if the brainiacs of my Administration aren't Big Government conservatives who pay for their shopping sprees with money borrowed from China and Japan. So how can we possibly balance the Federal budget?

Chew on this: more guns, less taxes, and disembowel any program that looks like it was dreamed up by some tambourine-loving public school teacher in a flower skirt. (Applause.) And we'll start with Social Security. (Hoots.)

The founders of Social Security couldn't imagine the changes this country would endure over the decades – mainly that this country would forget a time when unregulated big business gang-banged the piggy banks of regular folk. In fact, those New Deal Democrats would shit Cracker Jack prizes if they knew that by the turn of the century, the robber barons would be back in the pilot seat, passing out parachutes and champagne sippy cups to all their buddies in first class.

That is why today, travelling on the very same course that I personally placed it on, I am so deeply sad to announce that, through no fault of my own, by the year 2042, the entire Social Security system will be exhausted and bankrupt.

(Pathetic Mews, Impotent Boos, Irked Little Sniffles from Fidgety Democrats.)

But as I stand here today, I swear to all whiny, borderline senile, soon-to-be unproductive social burdens over the age of 55: don't listen to those snivelling Democrats. Your Social Security is safe, so long as you hurry up and die. Might I suggest you live a sedentary life watching TV, eating Monster Thickburgers, sucking down Pall Malls – and just let our spotty, HMO beancounter-run health care system take care of the rest? (Applause.)

And to the younger generation: I worry about you. I worry you won't have enough money to retire on, having spent your future wages paying off the debt me and the rest of my boys are going to leave you. But remember this: even though you're, like, fucked, it'll all seem worth it when you shed your first magic tear watching Saving Private Lynch sometime around 2030.

Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. Firstly, our society isn’t based on the rights of individuals. Secondly, marriage isn’t just a social contract where two individuals agree to share assets. It’s a holy, beautiful HETERO-ONLY union that can only be broken by paying $300 to a stripmall lawyer. (Applause.)

Unlike the civil rights era, when anarchist judges ruled in favor of granting minority citizens their rights years before the legislators caught up, today’s judges should learn a valuable lesson: who said you were given the power to interpret the law? Wear your black smocks, and do as you're told, or I'll take your little toy hammer away and cram it up your shitbox, bitches!

For the good of families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage. Because allowing homos to marry means they’ll have the ability to amass and pass on wealth, and then their wealthy little faglings will never, ever vote for the GOP. So let’s get this nipped in the bud, OK?

Through 2005 and the remainder of my second term, I shall also redbouble my efforts to build a "culture of life" – especially as it applies to females. Yes, because America's girlies can and will rediscover that life never seems quite so vivid and real as it does when you're practicing family planning by jimmying a rusty coat hanger into your slutty little cooter. (Applause.)

Indeed, to build a culture of life, we must also ensure that America's policies always serve human dignity, and are based on hard Christian science rather than pseudoscientific flapdoodle like "stem cells" and "pennicillin." (Applause.) My Administration will continue to show the world its unshakeable commitment to all life – except retard criminals, of course. (Applause.)

Because courts must always interpret the US Constitution as if our nation is still spinning its wheels in 1787, we must pack the Federal bench with "strict constructionists" – judges who respect the fact that the founding fathers made slavery legal, and will never dabble in perverted judicial activism that gives special rights to all the inferior people our white puritanical forebearers hated. (Applause.) And because time is of the essense in rolling back 218 years of legislative progress, every one of my right-wing judicial nominees deserves a rubber-stamp approval! (Applause.)

Because the word "compassion" has proven so effective when mouthed emptily without any intention to match deeds with words, our government will continue to hand out zillions in taxpayer dollars to all qualifying McJesus franchises. Trouble is, with their existing programs already subsidized out the ying-yang, America's Salvation Industry must move aggressively to create newer, differently named programs that will make it possible for them to simultaneously suckle at multiple Federal cash teats. (Applause.)

So tonight, at their direction, I am proposing a three-year initiative "to keep young people out of gangs." It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? And while I can't go into the specifics here, Americans can rest assured that legions of Evangelical Entrepreneurs are chomping at the bit to teach our inner city youth that instead of snatching chains and purses off old ladies, there are better, more legal ways to rob old people – like convincing them they'll burn in hell unless they sign over their retirement accounts so pastor can buy himself a nice gold-trimmed Lincoln Navigator. (Applause.)

Now because the complaints of black people are so darned annoying, I want to throw 'em a couple bones here – even if it only shuts them up for a few precious days.

Bone #1: AIDS, which kills so many horny darkies both here and back in their home nation of Africa. Two years ago, I pledged $15 Billion to fight AIDS there. It never happened, but folks still remember how "compassionate" that was. Today, I ask Congress to reauthorize the Ryan White Act, which, since it will cost pretty much nothing, might actually happen. Because as we continue to give empty lip service to AIDS, we simulate the appearance of being concerned over negro collateral damage caused by Jesus' intelligently designed homo eradication plague. (Applause.)

Bone #2: More DNA testing for black folks on death row. Sure, I understand that might mean a few less executions, and yes, that will indeed make me nostalgic for the good old days of putting down tons of nigras back in Texas. But as President, I must strive to be more selfless. And since this proposal does nothing to change the draconian sentencing guidelines which keep our prisons bursting at the seams with tender young dimebag-hawking pickaninnies, I can continue to rest easy knowing that my dynasty's political benefactors in the corrections industry will not want for buckets of sweet greenbacks. (Applause.)

OK, I can't bear it any more...

9/11^TM!!!

Whooooo-eee, that felt good! Can you believe I've been yapping here for almost twenty minutes and still hadn't said "9/11^TM"? Not even once? Christ almighty – that's officially a record. So all you snarky hipster cretins out there playing your State of the Union drinking game you read about on some dumb blog can go ahead and shotgun your first PBR. That's right, because I said "9/11^TM." Whoops, there I went again! Man, I can almost hear the beer cans cracking.

Which reminds me... Nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, yeah! It's a coast-to-coast party now! (Applause.)

Anyway, in the three and a half years since 9/11^TM, we've done tons of stuff to make sure all American remain poop-their-pants fixated on 9/11^TM. We created Earth's biggest bureaucracy, drove Osama bin Hussein into the hills, and waged a re-election campaign that painted a patriotic United States Senator as a terrorist-fellating traitor. (Applause.)

The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else. (Laughs.)

OK, I even cracked myself up with that one. But here's the thing, in order for America to run roughshod over the rest of the world to seize its natural assets so we can live so oppulently, we just can't have any hostile nutjob leaders out there who can't be brought down through a nice Diebold-powered election-flavored event. So if violently taking them out also also means FREEDOM^® for a bunch of unsaved foreigners, well that's a handy side effect that can be used really effectively by the folks in my PR department. So all that said, here's how it's gonna be:

Syria: new Boogeyman #1. You'll be hearing lots of tough talk about Syria in the weeks and months ahead. Mainly because of the three remaining "Axis of Evil" countries, Syria is the only one that ain't got nukes yet. So going forward, we will puff out our chests and tell CNN and FOX to tell Syria that they had better shape up or get ready to have their asses kicked – never mind that our military is spread paper-tiger-thin and missing its recruitment quotas month after month.

Iran: Boogeyman we can't do anything about, but we'll keep talking tough to save face. Fortunately, most Americans think Iran is the same country we already invaded that is currently enjoying such an uneventful occupation. All that said, to the Iranistazi people, I say tonight: "As you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you." (Applause.)

Whoa. I think I just had one of those French "dayva jews." Isn't that pretty much the same exact thing that my pappy said to those gullible Kurds back in the early 90's? Right before they rose up thinking he'd help them, but instead all got exterminated by Saddam Hussein? I thought so. So to any Iraniacs listening out there, just remember that we Bushes define "stand with you" as "standing within ten feet of a television with you dying on it." (Applause.)

The United States is committed to realizing democratic reform throughout the Middle East. The government of Saudi Arabia can demonstrate its leadership in the region by expanding the role of its people in determining their future. I know, I know, those sound like tough words for any Bush to direct at the House of Saud, but don't worry. Prince Bandar cleared them beforehand. (Applause.)

Americans love LIBERTY^TM – even if they don't exactly know what it is – because it appears on most of our money. And that's why Joe Sixpack and Henrietta Hotpocket like the idea of more LIBERTY^TM for Iraq, because more LIBERTY^TM probably means more money – if not for them, then for somebody more deserving through whom they can live vacariously by watching them on the new 60" plasma TV they just financed for their double-wide. (Applause.)

If there is one great constant in any President's State of the Union Address, whether he be Republican or Democrat, at war or at peace, impeached for spraying pecker snot on a fat Jewess or not, it is that it always concludes with big steaming serving of emotional porn. And tonight my fellow citizens, I bring you a smoking-hot double feature. (Applause.)

First, we are honored to have an Iraqazoid lady here whose name I shouldn't even try to pronounce. The specifics or her story are touching, and because she personally has benefitted so greatly from America's invasion of Iraq, where she hasn't lived for thirty years, you'll forget all about the fact that the justifications for my war were bogus, and that we've killed tens of thousands of innocent civilians while creating Earth's most fertile terrorist breeding ground. I dont' know where my people found this broad, but hell-bound Muslim or not, fuck if she ain't a political gift from God! (Applause.)

Next up, we have the grieving parents of a soldier who would still be alive if I hadn't duped the American people. By inviting these poor shattered souls here, and sharing their heartwrenching anecdote which reinforces the fallacy that invading Iraq had anything to do with "protecting" America's mommies (rather than executing my personal vendetta against Saddam Hussein), we manage to ostensibly honor them, while simultaneously subjecting them to the worst kind of cynical exploitation. (Applause.)

(Iraqi Woman and Grieving Mother Embrace.)

(Sustained Applause.)

(Widespread Sobbing, Drenching of Linen American Flag Hankies.)

Man, that's powerful stuff. Two people... so overcome by emotions... so uninformed by facts... so expertly choreographed...

(Hoots and Hollers.)

In these four years, Americans have seen the unfolding of large events. We have known times of sorrow, and hours of uncertainty, and days of victory. In all this history, even when we have disagreed, the right-wing always has and always will continue to prevail. Because we have successfully managed to convince millions of glassy-eyed human moo-cows to surrender their personal sovereignty in exchange for a feckless homeland security bureaucracy that's supposedly protecting them from Arabiac ninjas hibernating in their closets. And so long as we sit tall in the saddle, they will continue to believe we have a monopoly not only on FREEDOM^®, but also on democracy, patriotism, and morality itself. Next up: courage, fire and ice, and the love of cute little puppies!

As that miserable Socialist cripple Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, "Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth." Sure, it may be fruity poetry, but there's something to it, because we live in a country that is vastly superior to all those other loser countries. The Home Shopping Network was only a dream – until it was fulfilled. The liberation of Florida blacks from their voting rights was only a dream – until it was achieved. The electoral trouncing of a decorated war hero Senator by an AWOL alcoholic President was only a dream – until, one day, it was accomplished. And moving ahead, we will realize even more fantastic new dreams. The road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable – yet we know where it leads: away from smartypants liberal Massachusetts, due South into the Bible Belt, where a golden-hued future of Christian Taliban theocracy awaits us all.

Thank you, and may Jesus Bless His favorite country America.

(Applause. Rhythmic Chanting of "USA, USA, USA!")

SEE ALSO:

• 2004 State of the Union Address
• 2003 State of the Union Address
• 2002 State of the Union Address

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