THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Today brings word that the United States Supreme Court has refused to back up "Terri's Law," which was written by my baby brother Jebber in keeping with the GOP philosophy that most advances in medical science (like birth control and geneticles) are unnatural and against God's will – unless they're an expensive machine with lots of blinking lights that transform brain-dead bags of bones into dependable cash cows for America's healthcare conglomerates.

Now I'm not a guy who wastes a lot of time thinking about boring things like stuff, but it's days like this where I have a hard time juggling my love for the astute body of wizened sages who handed me the Presidency on a silver platter, with my acid contempt for uppity "activist judges" from the "intellectual elites" crowd.

The problem here is one of simple consistenceness. Two years ago, the Supreme Court said it was NOT OK to kill retards, even when they're big ugly colored fellas and an all-white Texas jury says they done bad. But today, they say it IS OK to kill retards, er, vegetables– or whatever, even pretty little white ones who never sold a single dimebag of that really crappy cocaine. Now call me dumb as rocks of box here, but that just don't compute.

Get the GODLY New Book!

Personally, speaking as a dude who has killed tens of thousands of people (so far), I think it oughtta be legal for me and my brother to kill (or not) whoever we want to – whether they're retards or not. Unfortunately, the Christian Taliban didn't bankroll My campaign so I could think for myself. That's why today, I'm going to be their mouthpiece, on account of they'll never let me nuke Social Security if I don't. So here we go...

LIFE® is a sacred, special thing. Because man was created in God's image. But with there being so many men these days, how do we know what the original image looked like? For all we know, God was sprawled out in an ICU bed, comatose, covered in bed sores, plastic tubes snaking into his atrophied limbs and crusty nostrils, drooling, his azure blue eyes rolling around in his head all googly-style. So who's to say that isn't what LIFE® is supposed to be!

And THAT is why Jeb Bush created "Terri's Law." Because Jebber loves LIFE® (when he's not killing). Not because of his contempt for his state's constitution. Not because he wanted to whoop Democratic New Jersey at its own game of Karen Ann Quinlan. Yes, because Jeb is steadfast in his faith – along with the True Christian® parents of Terri Schiavo, that one must never-ever, even after 14 years, pull the plug on a hopeless vegetable – especially in cases where two blurry photos suggest consciousness in the patient – so long as dad's holding a lighter to her feet off-camera.

Sadly though, in striking down Terri's Law, the United States Supreme Court has doomed this noble vegetable, this Terri Schiavo, stripping her of her Bush-given right to serve as a right-wing ideological zombie pawn by indefinitely wallowing in her own filth. But more troubling still, it has created unacceptable confusion around the entire issue of killing retards and vegetables – and that I cannot abide.

I mean, is it too much to ask for a world that is so black-and-white simplistic, we don't have to go relooking at stuff just because it's different? I don't think so. That is why today, I have directed the Republican Congress to introduce a tough new vegetard-killing Constitutional Amendment, which, once ratified, will strip the Supreme Court of any decision-making power in this sensitive area once and for all.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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