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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - January 20, 2005 - 12:35 P.M. (EST)

President's 2005 Inauguration Speech

THE PRESIDENT: Vice President Mr. Cheney Sir, Chief Justice Deathbed, President Peanut, President Poppy, President Jizz Hydrant, assembled executives of McJesus, Inc., token worshippers of Satanic false gods, distinguished Wall Street sugar daddies, terror-phobic flag-waving provincials drowning in credit card debt, neutered Democrats in the freeze-your-buggered-ass-off seats, and of course, all the photo-friendly military bullet sponges of various dirt-poor white trash and filth races with whom I pretend I have so much in common...


(Hoots and Applause.)

That's right. Because on this day, we celebrate the durable wisdom of that wrinkled old roll of 18th century toilet paper, the Constitution of Independence – whose flowery words and noble, yet impractical ideas I sometimes yack on about when drawing attention away from my passion for getting rich and killing folks. Indeed, it is a passion so powerful, it has no time for the squirrelly limitations those pansies in tights tried to impose on me back in 1876. In fact, I like to think of my new agenda as the "Constitutional Emancipation Act."


Which I why I am so grateful to be standing before you now, mindful of the fact that I have bested my loser one-term-wonder daddy, and eager to kick off a second term that will make Richard Nixon's look as squeaky clean as a virgin debutante's freshly douched hoo-hoo.

Yes, at this second inaugural gathering, this holy coronation, this taxpayer-funded hootenanny validating four years of imperialistic megalomania, war profiteering, legislative faggot-bashing, blatant theocracy-building, and gratuitous corporate tax-raiding – we are led, by events and a monolithic right-wing media propaganda machine, to one conclusion: I am not only The Way and The Light, but also the very incarnation of FREEDOM®.

I'm sensing – yes, I am – that here is a lady in a stars and stripes toboggan cap up in the riff-raff seats – right near John Kerry – who has a cancer that is destroying her. HEAL! HEAL, I say! I the name of Jesus, I rebuke all demons of this cancer and ask that this woman be cured of her liberal sympathy for the poor and hungry. Glory!

And since the cameras are rolling here, and I don't want anybody to ever replay any "gotcha" clips from this speech that sound like actual plans or – Christ forbid – promises, just bear with me for the next fifteen minutes as I test to see how the same old star-spangly FREEDOM® blah-blah I used in campaign stump speeches will go over when I'm not in a hangar filled to the rafters with brainwashed military zombies I'm fixing to send overseas to be blown into sausage by that one insurgent who's causing all the trouble.


Jenna, quit clipping your toenails.

For as long as there are FREEDOM®-hating regimes – withered, pathetic third world CIA puppets selfishly perched atop underground lakes of SUV vroom-vroom juice – regimes who dare to violently torment their citizens without first purchasing a "Free To Oppress" card at the US Embassy in Riyadh, America will stand vigilant, spouting easily digestible Leave it to Beaver moralisms, handing out McRibs to armless orphans for the benefit of FOX News cameramen, and cracking open the pride-inflated skulls of Arabiac trash like they were putrid brown cantaloupes covered in thick, greasy black hair.

Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of LibertyTM. They wonder, "This LibertyTM He speaks of, is it just another queer little woman's excuse for a Jeep?" To which I say no, LibertyTM is the new FREEDOM®, and FREEDOM® is just another word for "whatever the fuck I want it to be when I don't want to say what I'm doing." Because, folks, even torture sounds a bunch better when you slap some FREEDOM® on it.


1000's of Stickers & T-Shirts:
Guantanamo Vacation Gear
USA: Jesus Likes Us Best

WHITEHOUSE.ORG BUMPER STICKERS I Support Quasi-Fascist Automotive Fads
Jesus Votes Republican
Patriotastic Bumper Stickers

America Doesn't Torture: Freedom Tickles Get the Job Done
Amazing Patriotic Posters

Of course, for those living in other countries that have not yet been forcibly reborn in America's image, know that LibertyTM can also mean "Democracy." Yes, Democracy, that greatest floor show in history, keeping you, the citizen customers, from noticing that the drinks are watered down, the buffet is overpriced, and the hookers spackle layer upon layer of cheap lipstick over their festering cold sores. And that, my friends, is the very essence of Original Recipe Republican FREEDOM®.

In Bush America's ideal of FREEDOM®, "FREEDOM®" is a word you stick on the bumper of your pickup, or howl until you're hoarse while pumping a grubby fist in the air to the numbing beat of Toby Keith's latest patrio-fascist ballad. And all the while, the military grunts tasked with defending FREEDOM® by carpet-bombing defenseless babies and old ladies in that I-R-A-Q place I won't mention by name, are watching their own FREEDOM® swirl right down the back-door draft crapper. Never let it be said that the Lord doesn't work through Me in ways so mysterious, even He can't tell heads from tails no more.


In Bush America's ideal of FREEDOM®, the public interest yields the right of way to the Mack Truck of stock price fixations – and chubby, balding bankers and trust fund demigods-turned-Congressmen prattle on about the rights of individuals, except when those rights conflict with their need for another vacation mansion, sprawling like a gilded octopus across a hilltop overlooking a squalid oceanfront village of poor people rendered picturesquely gaunt by chronic malnutrition. But it's like Pickles used to say when she was too toasted on vodka gimlets to work the oven and the twins would come in from school with the munchies: "Let them eat Little Debbie cakes!"

In Bush America's ideal of FREEDOM®, rich folks who deserve it enjoy the dignity of economic security. Because Americans hate a handout, unless of course it's a sweet Beemer convertible Daddy bought you once you'd been handed your legacy child mercy degree from Yale – or you can't compete with Airbus so you need to slurp at the Pentagon gravy boat in order to fund billion dollar executive pensions. This is the broader definition of LibertyTM that motivated the Homestead Act, the Social Security Act, and the G.I. Bill of Rights. And now we will extend this vision by reforming great institutions into tax dollar-inhaling organs of big business – where the bottom line, not conscience, is the moral dictate.

Indeed, standing before you today, I swear that I will do my omnipotent best over the next four years to liberate all Americans from disgusting Socialist notions of so-called "community responsibility" and "mercy." And instead, non-zillionaire folks will thrill to their newfound FREEDOM® to choose between working full-time at minimum wage until they slip and shatter their brittle geriatric hips on a Wal-Mart tile floor, or happily investing in the year-end bonuses of hot shot Merrill Lynch mutual fund managers, who work hard to live in $10 Million Central Park apartments equipped with high-powered telescopes for watching their fancy neighbors have kinky Jew York City sex.

From the perspective of a single day, including this day of dedication, the issues and questions before our country are many. From the viewpoint of centuries, the questions that come to us are narrowed and few. Was the word FREEDOM® effectively hijacked and exploited by narrow-minded zealots to cement their white-knuckled grip on power? And did America's ignorant, glassy-eyed lard-asses ignore the impassioned warnings of the entire once-friendly world?

These questions which might otherwise provoke or rouse thinking people from their stupors, are today rightly tossed aside like an empty Frito-Lay bag. Why? Because on Inauguration Day, Americans of every party and background, Americans by choice and by birth, subscribe to the quaint media-fueled fallacy that today, as if by magic, the life and death issues over which Hanoi John Kerry and I just fought tooth and nail, can and should be glossed over in favor of meaningless feel-good rhetoric about "unity," "fellowship," and a bunch of other pussy-sounding liberal stuff.

And so we march forward. And by "we," I mean "Me." Forward with complete indifference to any and all ideas or interests that are not in 100% lockstep with my own, confident in a strategy of wielding "FREEDOM®" as a grossly crude, yet shockingly effective polemical cudgel. Because history is written by the victors, which is why Nazi death camps got such a bad rap. And because the current victors (that's Me again) know for a scientific fact that Jesus' Daddy himself leaned over from his cloud-upholstered La-Z-Boy sectional to handpick my family as his lifetime-appointed Kings of the Earth.


When America's Founders declared a new order of the ages; when soldiers died in wave upon wave for a union based on LibertyTM; when citizens marched in peaceful outrage under the banner "FREEDOM® Now" – little did they know they were mere teeny-tiny pawns in a super-long chess game whose only purpose was to set the stage for a thousand year Bush reign. History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction as certain as an eight lane turnpike, and today, every last one of its road signs read "ALL TRAFFIC MERGE RIGHT." Ultra-right-wing, as it were. And that's what I call "LibertyTM!"

A wise man once said that LibertyTM is the thick, gooey corn syrup on the biscuit of human endeavor. And as I stand before you today, I swear to slather LibertyTM all over the Earth.





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