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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - January 15, 2005 - 10:16 P.M. (EST)

FULL TEXT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S AFTER-HOURS STATEMENT PROUDLY LEAKING AMERICA'S SUCCESSFUL TERMINATION OF THE HUNT FOR IRAQAZOID WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. My, this press pool room sure looks and smells a heck of a lot better after all those Jewish reporters go home for the weekend. (Snickers.)

Today, now that November's Democracy-flavored election thing is quickly fading from the ADD-addled brains of America's paranoia-hypnotized moo-cow voters, it's time for Me to exercise My magical king-like powers to quietly, yet officially declare that whole Iraqazoid WMD business to be not only over and done with, but also a roaring SUCCESS!

This way, I can begin My second term with a nice clean slate. So I'm counting on everyone to make like nice little yes-men and permanently drop this subject, because I have other, more important stuff to attend to – like launching tactical nukes on America's social safety net.

Wait, this is too easy without the press. McClellan, how about you sit in the front row and pretend to be old Helen Thomas? Yeah, right there. OK, here we go...

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Helen? Throw Me a hardball – just like the good old days.

MR. McCLELLAN: Mr. President, given that your assurances that weapons of mass destruction would be found were the only reason the American people supported your plan to kill all that Iraqi trash, can you please explain why it is that I'm such a fat, nasty old skank-twat?

(Uproarious Laughter. Slapping of Knees.)

THE PRESIDENT: Gee "Helen," I'm afraid you'd have to ask your momma about that to be sure. I just always assumed that you and Madeleine Albright both got your nuts chopped off by the same tranny doctor. (Laughs.)

But seriously, "Helen," even though we didn't find any of those super-scary thingamajigs I promised, it's still been a great SUCCESS – and not just because of all the awesome FREEDOM® we've sown over in Texraq.

You see, I speak from tons of experience when I say that sometimes, NOT finding anything is the quickest route to success. In college, I didn't find any A's on my transcript, but that didn't stop Me from successfully getting into Harvard Business School. Later, when the oil companies I stated couldn't actually find any oil, I still successfully leveraged My amazing business acumen into plum seven-figure board of directors gigs and a fat freebie slice of the Texas Rangers. Who can argue with that?

And so it is with Iraq, "Helen." We didn't find those WMD's I promised, but we've successfully generated oodles of contracts for Halliburton, and before long, we will be successfully making plans to build a fancy granite memorial to all the enlisted grunts getting wasted in Iraq. And that's just the beginning! So, I mean, success is easy to see – so long as you focus on the stuf that makes Me look good. (Winks.)

How about a follow-up, "Helen?" Really sock it to Me this time!

MR. McCLELLAN: Mr. President, given that your fearmongering on Iraqi WMD's now rings so pathetically hollow, are you concerned that the public might be injured by flying shards of glass when my haggard and disgusting pigbeast bitchface makes their TV's explode?

THE PRESIDENT: (Laughs.) Well none of them are likely to be FOX News viewers, so to fuck with them, right? (Laughs.)

But really, "Helen," the American public will continue to believe Me. After all, I'm the guy everyone wants to kick back and slam some brewskies with. And who are you going to believe, if not your friendly neighborhood beer-swilling slob. So when I say that Social Security is headed for an iceberg, they believe it. And when I say their children will become certified retards unless the public schools are shuttered and replaced by nice Jesus Academies, they believe it! And when I say we need to invade some other shithole whose leader dissed My Poppy because it's hiding oodles and oodles of invisible nukepox deathrays, they believe it! Because after all, if there's one thing My administration has never scrimped on, it's providing the public with honest, ironclad proof!

One more, "Helen."

MR. McCLELLAN: Mr. President, now that you've whooped John Kerry's stuck-up ass by over three million votes, can you comment on the speculation that your number one spin-master, who stayed loyal to you even when that chrome-dome hebe jumped ship to hit the lecture circuit gravy train, is due one heck of a monster raise?

(Silence.)

THE PRESIDENT: Don't push your luck, fatboy. Getting rid of you would be as easy as flicking a booger off the Truman Balcony.

Now it's past My bedtime. Turn off the light when you finish vacuuming, Tubby.

MR. McCLELLAN: Good night, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Ppppppppppfffffft.

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