PRESIDENT BUSH OFFERS CONGRATULATIONS TO HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER TOM DELAY ON HIS FORMALIZED IMMUNITY TO ETHICS AND THE SO-CALLED LAW
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I'd like to congratulate Majority House Leader Tom Delay – now that it's safe –
for dodging an assassin's bullet in the form of an idiot lawyer in the godless, liberal oasis that is Travis
County, Texas.
Thanks to the blind loyalty of the House he leads, Mr. Delay was allowed to maintain
his post, even while a grand jury is investigating grossly unethical behavior on his part. While House
rules states that such positions as House Leader can't be filled by anyone with felony charges
pending, those who write the rules can break them. And that there is an valuable lesson in morals, boys and girls.
And "morals" is just another word for "middle class testicle clamps." Luckily for Tom, I believe
in black and white, good and evil, serf and manor lord, and also one other little bitty thing:
the ends always justify the means.
Lemme take a moment to talk about Tom Delay: Texan, former exterminator, and House Majority Leader.
Tom is the most unquestioning, narrow-minded today and cold-blooded political hit man that I have ever
known. Is it any wonder I love this guy so?
Who knows what goes into forging a man like Tom? Was it was all those years he spent huffing Raid® foggers,
or his fabulous ability to wield the Bible like a medieval jackhammer on the foundations of American social progress?
Or maybe it was all that time he spent stalking former President Bill Clinton instead of creating and passing
legislation that might have made this country safer from, say, terrorists? (Too bad they weren't invented till 2001!)
Whatever it was, I'm confident it had NOTHING to do with a castrating momma and a barely suppressed lust to guzzle
the hot man milk of those prancing fairies he denounces so fervently. Me, I'm just happy he's a born-greedy yes-man.
Indeed, Tom Delay – or as I have affectionately nicknamed him, "Roach Motel," would chug a can of gasoline, eat a buffet-load of
Styrofoam peanuts, and piss napalm on his own grandmother if I snapped my fingers. He's loyal, and just ask
Condi, I prize loyalty more than any other quality in a human being. Yes, I insist upon being
constantly surrounded by agreeable zombies with dead shark's eyes, because – and I think you'll all agree
with me here – the last thing us intellectually confident folks want around us is losers who confuse
thoughtfulness, discussion, and logic with actual smartitude!
But you know what me and the GOP Congress love most about Tom? It's how impervious he is to hypocrisy and
introspection. It cracks me up but good whenever that sucker drones on and on about "values" – but never once
talks about any of that pussy stuff like "playing by the rules" or "ethics." Truth be told, Tom embodies
that most holy piece of Dixiecrat Scripture: "Thou Shalt Do What I Say, Not As I Do."
From practicing shamelessly piranha-like gerrymandering in Texas
last year, to illegally co-opting Federal marshals to force dissenting Democrats to get their faces bashed in
in a rigged fight, Tom's near-prodigal talent for subverting democracy just warms the cockles of my heart.
We can all be proud that Tom's work in the Lone Star State already has Lyndon Johnson's corpse spinning in his grave so fast, Texas
has started using it as a turbine to power the electric chair every time they fry a nigra for whistling at a white girl.
Another thing I love about Tom? Tell him you think courts, not legislators, should decide whether two
faggots can get hitched up, and he'll scrunch up his face, turn on his heels, and call in a tactical IRS audit
of your entire family. But tell him you think courts should decide elections, or allow arcane bylaws to be
manipulated as a way to circumvent the will of the people, and he'll do a jolly Texas two-step, crush a can of
Lone Star beer on his head, whoop, holler, and then invite you over to fuck his wife while he impotently watches
from a peep hole bored in the wall.
In closing, I want to say that I cannot wait for January: when the congress comes back into session,
we're gonna have some fun. The Forefathers conceived of a government filled with speed bumps that
prevent the tyranny of the majority. Well guess what? It's the future, and we don't give a fuck about the lofty
principles a bunch of sissies in wigs and pantyhose scribbled down with feather pens ten thousand years ago.
Shit changes as much as it stays the same. We're the majority, therefore, we're infallible and if you don't like it, move
to Massachusetts. If you think a "mysterious" bill allowing unfettered access to the tax returns of
every American is cool, just wait till you find out the other Easter Eggs we done planted. In forty
or sixty years. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
[Laughs Some More]
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White House Information:
