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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - November 16, 2004 - 2:02 P.M. (EST)

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Welcome. I've asked you all to come here today for two reasons. One, to introduce my new, more obedient Secretary of State. And, B, to smack the crap out of some wildass rumors that are running around town.

Now, I've been hearing whispers from the bitchy, gossipy Chatty Cathys – well, actually, her name is Lynne – that there is a lot of talk out there about the recent craze that is sweeping the White House. It's some fad called "resigning." Mrs. Cheney told me that some folks out there are talking about rats running from a sinking ship. Well, that is one of those EGG-zag-ger-A-tions! I want to make it clear that those rats are not running. They are flying. Because I took my new $1,750 hand-tooled inauguration boots and I kicked a lot of those rats in their little rat asses right off this sinking ship – long before those traitors even had a chance to scurry over to the get in line by the gangplank, for their bigger piece of cheese on the lecture circuit.

While I am someone who believes in brutally bludgeoning to death anyone who crosses me, as a Christian, I more than make up for that by rewarding the folks who are loyal to me. Even if, like Condi here, she shows that she would perform her job more effectively if she were in a full-on vegetable coma, making policy by batting her brown eyes to underlings gathered around her deathbed.
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To me, the promotion of Condoleezza to Secretary of State serves two purposes. A, it lessens the chances of my face popping into folks' heads when someone says, "Don't it always seems like shit floats to the top with the most incompetent people always succeeding?" Two, it is just a nice way to thank someone who helped make my re-election possible. If that crazy, confused lesbo hadn't been so busy gazing at my bulging crotch in Crawford, she might not have ignored the Arab terrorist warnings. Who knows? If little Condi was halfway competent as a National Security Advisor, 9/11 might never have gone and happened. And if we hadn't had the good fortune for 9/11 to take place, folks might have looked at what a fucked up mess I made of America and not sent me back to DC! So, thank you Condi for all you've done. I mean, didn't do.

I'm looking forward to working with a Secretary of State who gazes lovingly into my eyes – without getting that tingly homo feeling I get with the rest of my Cabinet. Cause I only expect one thing from my cabinet: unblinking adoration. Not competence; not integrity – those are just traps laid out by Satan to trap honest folks into asking too many questions.

You see, the problem with Colin Powell was he came in here thinking that just because you're Secretary of State, you're supposed to have stuff like ideas and thoughts in your head, much less talk about them. Now, I have to confess, I never did find out which state he was secretary of, but it can't have been a very big one. I mean, I was governor of a the biggest, bestest state in the whole Universe and even my secretary had enough sense to shut her yap about anything except what I wanted in my coffee and how blazing hot I looked when I dressed to the left.

Cheney and Rumsfeld did four whole years of tag team smackdown on that Powell boy until they beat all that "honesty" and "diplomacy" horseshit right out of him. But they can take a breather with our new Secretary of State. You see, maybe because she don't pass that brown-paper bag test like Colin used to brag about, Condi won't get uppity like Colin did sometimes and forget her place. Like she is fond of saying on Air Force One when she fetches Dick coffee and "yes'ums" his list of folks to invade, "I may be a house nigger – but thanks to my husb – I mean, President, at least I'm a White House nigger!" Besides, she has the most sure-fire approach yet not to clash with Cheney's ideas – she's never had an idea of her own since I met her. Which is just one reason why we get on like a hooker and drunk pastor.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: our new Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. She will have no comments. Not now. Not ever.

Thank you.


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