THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, AME Ebony Madonna Church! I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to appear in photographs with honest-to-goodness swing state colored folks this close to Election Day!

(Applause.)

As some in your Negro congregation may have heard – since it's the only reason I'm wasting my time here in the first place – this week saw the release of a new report from the impeccably non-partisan "Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies," which indicates that my support within the colored community has, in the past four years, DOUBLED – having now reached the stratospheric heights of 18%.

I can't tell you how much that warms my heart – knowing that today, if I were to actually venture outside my hermetically sealed bubble of carefully vetted sycophants and wade into a crowd of 20 random darkies, that only a mere 16.4 of them would hock chicken grease lugies in my face, versus a whopping 18.2 back in 2000. And that's just the kind of amazing progress that I think my first term in office will be remembered for!

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(Applause.)

And since most of your are a lot worse off after almost four years of my policies, the fact that more of you like me can only mean that you all are just like my wife Laura: the worse I treat you, the more you want my loving. So, if you think you got slapped around during the first four years, just wait until you see what I got up my sleeve to degrade and make you grovel during my second four years. I'm going to treat you so bad, by the time 2008 rolls around, one out of five of you is going to ask your white boss for the day off so you can stop picking cotton to say, "Thank you, Massa Bush!" with one of those full-face Al Jolson smiles that Dick always gets Colin to do when it looks like I'm about to doze off.

(Applause.)

Now I'm also told that the overwhelming majority of this new support comes from a tiny handful of black evangelical churches just like this one, where the ladies wear hats bigger than satellite dishes and everyone waves their hands around like the whole congregation just scored some amazing MDMA. And for that I am so grateful.

(Shouts of "Amen!")

I am especially grateful to your pastors. Did you know these black clergymen were among the many who realized that my faith-based taxpayer dollar handouts would make it possible for them to give themselves 300% raises, get ocelot seat covers for their Caddies, and outfit their rectories with those fancy gold and Italian marble commode thingies that spritz your heiny hole till it's clean as a whistle? Well they were! And I know it's just this kind of all-too-rare black clergymen who, because they're so committed to the Godly work of cashing those Federal Treasury checks, are totally determined to see yours truly re-elected next month!

(Shouts of "Amen!")

I also want to thank those same pastors for preaching so hard to keep you all so justifiably paranoid about the rising scourge of the homos – and for convincing a sliver of you that if John Kerry is elected, that the black community will instantly lose its proud, non-repressed reputation for being regrettably uneducated, but 100% straight!

(Shouts of "Amen!")

I for one want to tip my hat to any and all black Americans who rightly deny any parallel whatsoever between the black rights movement and the fag rights movement. I think it's a wonderful testament to just how far you people have progressed that 10% of you can now appreciate the fact that folks who are inferior to you have a heck of a lot of nerve thinking it should be illegal to persecute them for being different and, therefore, disgusting. After all, you got yours, so why should you care if anyone else gets theirs?

(Shouts of "Amen!")

And THAT, my excessively pigmented election-time friends, is what being a REPUBLICAN is all about. So climb on board the GOP Bus. Sure, we may still make you sit in the back, but after all these years of praying to your slavemaster's God, isn't it about time you start voting for his President, too?

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless whatever I say is best!'

(Applause.)

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