MRS. CHENEY: Good morning. As everyone knows by now, last night, during the final presidential debate, Senator John Kerry proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not a good man. Specifically, he said that my daughter was a... he accused her of... he called whatsername a... one of those... um... "L Words." And by making such a cheap and tawdry political reference to my little girl, he has made me a pretty indignant mom!

Now it is patently obvious what Senator Kerry is trying to do here. He knows that all decent, America-loving voters think of my husband Dick and me as the very picture of heterosexual geriatric contentment. They see us holding hands and smiling at political events, and they take a certain comfort in imagining us together at home – me baking cookies, him taking out the trash, and me ecstatically clawing his Quasimodo hump as we writhe in coital bliss atop a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire in the Naval Observatory living room.

In short, they see us as normal.

But by saying... that... that L Word, John Kerry is trying to get voters to conjure another vision of the Cheney home. A sick, twisted tableau of unnatural perversion, in which our wholesome family gatherings are infiltrated by my daughter's friends: rugby-playing, braless Amazons wearing denim vests and vibram-soled work boots, who shamelessly suckle at one another's leathery, tattooed teats right out in the open!

Get the GODLY New Book!

Indeed, John Kerry wants Americans to think that if my husband and I are so morally bankrupt that we nurtured a... a... ummm... one of those, that we might have done other things, too. He hopes some voters will even believe the utterly preposterous – like Dick looting the treasury through no-bid contracts, or me penning a hot lezbo erotica novel. Fortunately, the American people are far too smart to fall for those kinds of ridiculous distortions.

Now all that said, let me be very clear in stating that Dick and I love our daughter. And we will continue to love her – so long the definition of "love" doesn't include needing to actually say her name in public or allowing her to stand next to us on stage at a political convention. Because whatserface is family, after all, and we Republicans are the party of "family values." And so long as she doesn't actually try to start a family of her own, her father and I will not disown her. Anyway, Newt Gingrich already told us how electroshock and thorazine didn't work on Candace.

Fortunately, the one bedrock Republican value Dick and I did manage to instill in our daughter is GREED. Yes, she just can't get enough of those six-figure salaries we set her up with – even when the actual jobs themselves involve aiding and abetting the legislative disenfranchisement of her and her snatch-rooting so-called girlfriends! And for that, we are deeply proud.

In closing, I'd like to express my gratitude to the radical Christian right, to whom my husband and I owe our fame and riches, for their kind understanding on this matter. And I want to assure them that going forward, we can still be counted on never to dare vocalize any position which might deviate from the evangelical gospel which holds that homosexuals – both the fudge-packing and clam-chewing varieties – are hopeless sinners who have explicitly chosen to be tortured in Hell by Satan for all eternity. And yes, that includes our daughter.

I also want to once again express my utter contempt and disgust for Senator Kerry for mentioning that non-secret that everyone already knew anyway. I mean, HOW DARE HE! Why, the next thing you know, that tactless character assassin will be pointing out that my daughter is white, has blue eyes, and goes to the same barber as Richard Marx and Michael Bolton!

I trust that the American people will find my feigned outrage to be extremely contagious, and vote appropriately two and half weeks from today.

Thank you, and good day!

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