PROFOUND REMARKS BY FIRST TWINS JENNA AND THE OTHER ONE BUSH TO REPUBLICAN YOUTH CONVENTION FORMALLY DECLARING THAT VOTING STUFF TO BE TOTALLY WAY IMPORTANT
Remarks by the First Twins
JENNA: Hi young Republicans!!! It's us, Jenna and her sister! (Laughs)
We're here today because our Aunt Karen wants the news media to cover us reaching out to the
politically-apathetic demographic who pollsters think relate to us, and are super-interested in our totally crazy adventures
here in New York City, the capital of high fashion, ivy league social clubs, AIDS, and stuff! (Laughs)
(Applause)
THE OTHER ONE: So yeah, while we're really standing here talking to you mega-partisan youth warriors, it's also like
we're talking to all the psychologically pliable young voters in Florida/Pennsylvania/Battleground State Where
The Populace Votes Like It's The SuperBowl, in the hopes that our little "howdy doody" influences them when they
go to get their voting machine cherries popped.
JENNA: Yeah, but it's totally not a cynical ploy based on the assumption that young people are vapid, spoiled little cows
who don't vote their consciences, but do what sparkly princess confections like US tell them too. And like, that's the MAD
truth. Word. (Laughs)
THE OTHER ONE: And of course, we want to talk about the Republican National Convention, where Daddy and Jesus will help
save America from the clutches of terrorists, bookworms, lesbian professors who totally gave us a C+ us because we're
hot and won't chew their stinky clams, and social responsibility. It's like a huge party – a cross between MTV's Video
Music Awards and Triumph of the Will! Only hugemongous!
JENNA: (Laughs) Speaking of the VMA's, wasn't it
mega-funny when those tacky Kerry girls were booed? They asked for it! We got two words about those cross-eyed beanpoles:
"stank na-na"! (Laughs)
THE OTHER ONE: We can hardly believe how awesome it is to party with fat, balding, middle-aged white men who pray to
Jesus to make their third world labor monkeys grind out cheaper widgets faster with one hand, and playfully pinch our
perky heinies with the other – albeit in a totally Scotch-soaked, morally-hypocritical Uncle Creepy Fingers way
that makes us grin and giggle, just like Daddy taught us!
JENNA: America's entitled elite sure are wicked funny when they're high off their pooper with power! (Laughs)
Maybe you've seen some of the coverage of this, the most important event in our generation since the exit
poll windfall called 9/11TM, on the sexy network for Gen Y FOX News. No? You should... because their coverage
is fair and balanced.
THE OTHER ONE: Totally! Like when you ask your boyfriend if your boobs are big enough and he says, "No, baby, they're perfect!" – and
you know it's a lie? It's like that, only Bill O'Reilly tells the truth. It just so HAPPENS to be what you want to hear. (Laughs)
But let's get to the fun: New York City is amazing, like the movies, only smellier. We love it and we're
sure gonna miss it once the terrorists nukular stir fry it!
JENNA: Totally. (Laughs)
THE OTHER ONE: Whether it's from a helicopter, or a penthouse, or a limo, or the back VIP section of a $5000/bottle champagne
nightclub, New York seems almost devoid of the dirty people who complain so much about "hospital bills"
JENNA: Whatever those are – hospitals are FREE, stoopit biznatches!! (Laughs)
THE OTHER ONE: Yeah, when what they should really be doing is thanking Daddy for the patronizing gift of self-esteem. Like,
how many Starbucks are there? Duh...work, you lazy butts!
JENNA: (Laughs) Secondly, we'd like to take a moment to
talk to all the protestors out there. Because while they might look like you or us, never forget that they are the mentally-retarded
love children of a generation of bull dykes and whiny guys who play bongos and sell their semen so they can go on the road with
Phish. Those protesters are so mega-gross!
THE OTHER ONE: Yeah, they don't understand Daddy's America, and if they did, they'd realize that being a selfish hedonist
who WANTS to be sexually dominated by Middle Eastern men is worse than being a greedy pig who slurps up his own filth after
puking up all the slop he hogged in the trough, rest of the farm be damned.
JENNA: What? (Laughs) I don't understand.
THE OTHER ONE: Never mind. What I mean is, those kids who dress up like clowns and carry around ugly puppets of Daddy, and sing and
dance like those queer friends of ours who totally don't give us free hairdos and actually have butt sex sober – those
freaks are like, thirty-one flavors of NASTY. Seriously, give it UP. Because, like, Daddy is going to win... Uncle Scalia told us so.
JENNA: Right! (Laughs) And envy us, too. Because Daddy's
America is built on envy. Soul-devouring, quality-of-life squelching ambition that keeps you chasing after a CGI carrot while
your life slowly withers around you. Not us though, we were born lucky!
THE OTHER ONE: But maybe, just maybe, if you do exactly as we do, you'll one get admittance to the dopest political party
in America – or as we like to call it, Yaysville! Population: Us! Yay!
JENNA: (Laughs) And remember to vote for Daddy in November!
THE OTHER ONE: Meanwhile, we're going to catch a non-offensive Broadway show that doesn't challenge our Daddy's bigoted
worldview, eat some "ethnic food" like corned beef sandwiches or rice 'n cheese puffs called "rizzatta", do a load of kamikaze
shots, and maybe bang a B-list TV star, a Yalie grad, or former almost-Senator Jack Ryan in our suite.
JENNA: Party On! (Laughs)
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