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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - June 29, 2004 - 11:52 A.M. (EST)

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As we all know by now, yesterday brought surprising news to the all the world's so-called top-notch reporters. Yes, because despite promising to wait until June 30th before letting America's new puppet government in Vietraq pretend to be in charge, we scooped those suckers but good and did it on June 28th instead! (Laughs)

Man, I love it when I get to make journalistinarians look all mucho del stupido! (Laughs)

Anyway, as a result, today it is my pleasure and surprise to be able to welcome Ambassador Paul Bremer back to the USA. I gotta tell you, I never expected you to come home in one piece, Paulster.

AMBASSADOR BREMER: Thank you, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Seriously, I even had the communications office whip up a little statement of condolence to release in the practically inevitable event that you got blown into Alpo by all those fresh Al Qaeda recruits streaming through Texraq's now-porous borders. But listen, I don't want you to feel guilty about the wasted taxpayer dollars that went into writing that statement, because we can just swap in John Negroponte's name when the time comes. Which reminds me – if you want in on the office betting pool, see Andy Card on your way out. My money's on early October, if you're wondering.
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AMBASSADOR BREMER: Thank you, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Hey – it's me who should be thanking you, Bremerooni!


THE PRESIDENT: Well, if you hadn't called me on the Red Phone last week, blubbering like a bitch and begging to secretly move up the "handover" so you could live long enough to see Spiderman 2, I probably would have just gone ahead with the June 30th date we'd been talking about. And then what would have happened? The big public ceremony would have been bombed, lots of sorta-kinda important folks would be dead, and my approval ratings would be taking another dip with the Ty-D-Bol Man.

But by doing it your fraidy-cat way, with the whole sneaky-surprise-on-the-down-low thing, the only folks who died that day were just a few more worthless GIs. And hell, unless they're related to them, voters don't even notice news about dumb grunt cadavers anymore. In other words, it was a great idea!

AMBASSADOR BREMER: Thank you, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Really though, I really really appreciate all your hard work in Saudi Irakkaba. I know you were hated over there almost as much as me and my daddy. And I know that Saddam loyalists have been known to infiltrate America to attempt to wreak vengeance on their despised enemies. Too bad you're ineligible for a lifetime Secret Service detail, Paul. Or should I call you Ambassador Walking Corpso? (Laughs)

AMBASSADOR BREMER: If you like, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I don't think you need to worry about that too much. Maybe a little, but not too much. (Laughs)

Anyway, if they do succeed in killing you, I promise right here and now to take those boots you clomp around in, shake your dismembered feet out of them, and have them bronzed – even if they are just crappy old shit-kickers. By the way – you really oughta think about getting yourself a nice pair of hand-made $1000 snakeskin cowboy boots like mine. I've worn 'em since I was just a cowbaby back in rustic New Haven, Connecticut. In fact, that's what my daddy used to call me – "Little Boots." Just like that Orange Julius fella who used to be king of the Grecians!

But I digressify. Welcome home, Paul. You having escaped the Middle East with your life – for now – means that the installation of a new government of malleable Iraqasaurs is complete. FREEDOM® reigns in Iraq. At least so long as they don't get uppity, in which case our invasion force is still deeply entrenched and ready and willing to annihilate another round of raghead ass.

Thank you Paul Bremer, and God Bless America.


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