TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT'S FRIENDLY CALL TO RON REAGAN JR. REMINDING HIM WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO ALZHEIMER'S-PREDISPOSED GIRLY-MEN WHO DON'T KEEP THEIR FUCKING TRAPS SHUT
Statement by the Vice President
RON REAGAN JR.: Hello?
THE PRESIDENT: Is Nancy-boy Reagan there? (Snickers.)
RON REAGAN JR.: I beg your pardon?
THE PRESIDENT: Never mind the fancy-ass pleasantry, Miss Manners. This being Queer Pride season, I'm sure a tu-tu
wearin' ballerina such as yourself can't hardly wait to break out the poppers, slap on the nipple-clamps, and
get those manicured mitts of yours on a fresh young boy-scout or two.
RON REAGAN JR.: I'm sorry?
THE PRESIDENT: Darn tootin' your sorry, sweetheart – a sorry excuse for presidential progeninny, that is. I guess
just drinking yourself into a perpetuafied drunken stupor and shuttin' the hell up, like Jenna and the other one
do, is too much to ask for from a guy who seems to have nothin' better to do with his time than prance around in
tights and hurl hogwash at me and my Jesus-abidin' admenstruation.
RON REAGAN JR.: I'm sorry?
THE PRESIDENT: Well, among other
things, there's that Jew York Times article
that Rove read to me before my late-mid-morning nap yesterday. It said
that the eulogolly you gave at your pappy's funeral was nothin' more than a battle cry to the damned to start crankin'
out abortions by the barrelful. I knew you was a mama's boy, just didn't know you were as far gone as that senile
embryo-monger.
(Silence.)
THE PRESIDENT: What's the matter? Beelzebub got your tongue? I think I got your angle, Junior. You're a'figurin'
that by harvesting stem-cells out of them pre-baby corpes, them smarty-pants anti-creationist science-heads are
gonna find a way to cure Alzhammer's before you end up turning into a drooling, babbling mess, just like Poppa Gip' did.
Am I right?
RON REAGAN JR.: (Clears throat.)
THE PRESIDENT: Well, the joke's on you, sugar britches! Abortion'll be outlawed before you know it, and whammo!
There goes your only source of stem cells. No stem-cells, no stem-cell research. No stem-cell research... no
stopping little Ron Jr. from slowly turning into a quivering mound of human Jell-o.
(Silence.)
THE PRESIDENT: That's got you thinking now, doesn't it? You know I gotta say, I had hoped you and me
understood each other, Ronerooni – on account of we're both named after our Presidential poppys. It's funny though, cuz where
your dad was a rootin'-tootin' pretend tough guy and you're just a prancing little sally, it's exactly the opposite
with me and my dad. Maybe that explains everything. What do you think?
(Silence.)
THE PRESIDENT: Oh well, I gotta go take my early-mid-dusk snoozeroo now. Just wanted to let you know that ever since you
blabbed to the press that my only accomplishment was not being an obnoxious drunk anymore, I knew I was gonna get you back.
There's some saying or other 'bout revenge tasting better when it's cold. You'll have to let me know how it tastes sucked
down through a straw in the nursing home.
(Ron Reagan Jr. hangs up.)
THE PRESIDENT: (Raucous laughter.)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
- William Asher
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White House Information:
