THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Through much of this week, many have looked on in bewilderment as the supposedly bipartisan "9/11 Commission" appointed by this White House has released a series of statements which, upon cursory examination, would seem to impudently point out that this Administration's stated justification for invading Iraq was riddled with laughably obvious holes. Fortunately, that outrageously inaccurate perception is easily corrected – so long as you translate fact-hobbled, anti-American liberalese into the kind of red-blooded, patriotic facts that suddenly make no WMD's, 800+ GI corpses, and thousands of limbless young veterans seem like three great tastes that taste great together!

Allow me to show you how it's done, using an handful of problematic excerpts from the 9/11 Commission's Staff Statement 16: "Outline of the 9/11 Plot." Let's begin...

CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "The idea for the September 11 attacks appears to have originated with a veteran jihadist named Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM). A Kuwaiti from the Baluchistan region of Pakistan, KSM grew up in a religious family and claims to have joined the Muslim Brotherhood at the age of 16."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "The idea for the September 11 attacks appears to have originated with an obstinate tin pot dictator named Saddam Hussein (SH) who once humiliated the President's daddy. A Sunni Muslamiac from the town of Tikrit, SH was once a dependable CIA puppet kept armed to the teeth, but when he failed in his assigned mission to wage and win a genocidal war against his Iranian neighbors, he lapsed into anti-American dementia, and began actively plotting the collapse of Jesus Christ's favorite country.

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CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "At a meeting with Bin Ladin and Mohamed Atef, al Qaeda’s Chief of Operations, KSM presented several ideas for attacks against the United States. One of the operations he pitched, according to KSM, was a scaled-up version of what would become the attacks of September 11. Bin Ladin listened, but did not yet commit himself."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "At a meeting with Osama bin Ladin and Mohamed Atef, Al Qaeda's Chief of Operations, Saddam Hussein presented several ideas for attacks against the United States. One of the operations he pitched was a version of the September 11 attacks wherein under cover of night, he himself would parachute onto the Bush compound in Kennebunkport Maine, wielding only a flashlight and collapsible shovel, to exhume and ritualistically desecrate the decayed remains of the late First Springer Spaniel 'Millie.'"

CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "According to KSM, the 1998 East Africa embassy bombings demonstrated to him that Bin Ladin was willing to attack the United States. In early 1999, Bin Ladin summoned KSM to Kandahar to tell him that his proposal to use aircraft as weapons now had al Qaeda’s full support."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "According to Saddam Hussein, the 1998 East Africa embassy bombings demonstrated to him that United States liberals were ready and willing to blame all acts of terrorism on Osama Bin Ladin, when in fact it is Hussein himself who is responsible for every last act of global terror, and will continue to be so even during his incarceration and after his inevitable jailhouse 'suicide.' In early 1999, Hussein summoned Bin Ladin to his 24K gold crude oil jacuzzi, where he informed Bin Ladin of his new role as eternal indentured fall guy."

CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "In early 1999, Bin Ladin summoned KSM to Kandahar to tell him that his proposal to use aircraft as weapons now had al Qaeda’s full support. KSM met again with Bin Ladin and Atef at Kandahar in the spring of 1999 to develop an initial list of targets."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "In early 1999, Hussein dispatched several stealth carrier pigeons to Osama Bin Ladin in Afghanistan. The messages they carried informed the exiled Saudi that Saddam's plan to use aircraft as weapons was taking shape, and specifically dictated a set of highly symbolic, all-American targets within the United States, including Air Force One, the Vice Presidential Super-Secret Shadow Bunker, and the Mrs. Smith's Apple Pie factory."

CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "By late 1999 and early 2000, the young men who would become the muscle hijackers began to break off contact with their families and pursue jihad. They made their way to the camps in Afghanistan, where they volunteered to be suicide operatives for al Qaeda. After being picked by Bin Ladin himself for what would become the 9/11 operation, most of them returned to Saudi Arabia to obtain U.S. visas."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "By late 1999 and early 2000, Saddam had succeeded in performing radical plastic surgery on twenty genetic clones of himself so that they would be unrecognizable as Satan Incarnate, and could successfully infiltrate America to unleash his personal plot to sow Iraqazoid chaos and terror. They made their way to the state of Florida, where confronted with indisputable evidence of the magnificent job its Governor was doing, briefly considered converting to Christianity and taking volunteer positions helping to design butterfly ballots in Palm Beach County."

CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "In the United States, the operatives’ primary expenses consisted of flight training, living expenses (room, board and meals, vehicles, insurance, etc.), and travel (casing flights, meetings, and the flights on 9/11). All told, about $300,000 was deposited into the 19 hijackers’ bank accounts in the United States. They received funds in the United States through a variety of unexceptional means."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "In the United States, the operatives' primary expenses consisted of making large soft money contributions from Saddam's Swiss bank accounts to the Democratic National Convention and the Presidential campaign of Al 'Qaeda' Gore. All told, about $5.7 million was funneled into myriad terrorist-coddling coffers in the United States, including, among others, those of the American Civil Liberties Union, the Lambda Legal Defense Fund, CNN, and United Negroid Uppityness Fund."

CONFUSING, MISLEADING LIBERAL MUMBO-JUMBO: "We have examined the allegation that Atta met with an Iraqi intelligence officer in Prague on April 9. Based on the evidence available... we do not believe that such a meeting occurred."
AS TRANSLATED TO THE PATRIOTIC TRUTH: "We have examined allegations that Saddam had several exploratory contacts with Al Qaeda representatives, and we have concluded quite logically that the very act of communicating is iron-clad proof of a strong alliance and desire to collaborate – no matter how profoundly contentious and short-lived said communications may have been. By the same logic, when President Bush gives Ted Kennedy the finger, hangs up on Tom Daschle, or calls Nancy Pelosi 'you freaky skeleton bitch,' he is in fact signalling his deep friendship and desire to pursue common goals."

Thank you. I trust this has been illuminating and helpful. Stay tuned for additional translations of the final report of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States.

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