THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, Armed Forces Radio listeners! What a pleasure it is to be addressing all you brave, disposable fighting men and women of the United States military from here in the safety and luxury of the Executive Mansion. First, let me begin by saying, "HOO-AHHH!!" That's how it goes, right? I just love how you meathead bullet sponges all cheer wildly every time anyone says that. And it's certainly going to make what I have to say a little easier. Not for you, but for me! HOO-AHHH!!

Today, after three straight years of me stretching America's military thinner than an Ethiopian ballerina, the Pentagon tells me that you grunts over in Iraqistan actually expect to go back to your old lives! They say that just because your enlistments are legally expiring, you think you have the right to get your asses out of Dodge before they get ripped up in an unarmored Humvee. HOO-AHHH!!

Well guess what, Gomer Pyle? Don't go packing your looted booty in a duffle bag just yet, because as soon as I heard that, I told Rummy to cook up a new policy that immediately suspends all discharges from military service. After all, just because I said you're fighting to defend FREEDOM® doesn't mean I want you to actually experience it. HOO-AHHH!!

Now I know this might seem like a major bummer, but believe me, I'm doing all you all a favor. If you think you're dangerously depressed now, wait until you get back home. Filling up the tank costs about what you make in a week. HOO-AHHH!! And while you were off killing brown-skinned Islamazoids, some Hindu-Rican guy in India who looks just like them has taken your job. HOO-AHHH!! Oh – and if you were looking forward to watching a good titty movie or listening to Howard Stern, I've had Ashcroft busy ripping that trash off the air so fast it'd give you blue balls. HOO-AHHH!! Anyway, your kids already forgot what you look like and your wife's getting boned by that guy at work who said he'd look after her while you're gone. HOO-AHHH!!

That's right, short of getting shot in the face or blown into Alpo, you soldiers are in for the long haul. Which reminds me – lest this news tempt the more homesick among you to suddenly develop an appetite for the engorged sweetmeats in your bunkmate's boxers, I have another announcement: effective immediately, the longstanding "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy is null and void. We're not happy about it, but we didn't have a choice. If we still enforced that sucker, there'd be no one left at Abu Ghraib but a bunch of chained-up, naked Iraqis – and those dudes are total psychological train wrecks! HOO-AHHH!!

In closing, as much as I'm flattered by anyone trying to emulatize me, I must strongly advise against even trying to pull the old "I want to go to Harvard Business School" excuse to get out of active duty. It won't work. And that goes double for "transferring" to the Alabama Air National Guard and then disappearing. Why? Because I already shipped those sorry suckers over to Iraq late last year! HOO-AHHH!!

That's all for now. Aren't you glad you military folks support me three to one over that French pussy John Kerry? I sure am. It's a real pleasure to know you can count on people who won't waste their time casting "secret" absentee ballots that have a funny way of getting lost in the mail anyway. So see you next Thanksgiving. HOO-AHHH!!

This has been your Commander in Chief. Over and out!

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