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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - May 25, 2004 - 9:01 A.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT'S ARMY WAR COLLEGE SPEECH EXPLAINING FIVE-POINT PLAN TO GRANT IRAQ THE FREEDOMŪ TO ENJOY PUPPET GOVERNMENT AND DECADES-LONG FOREIGN MILITARY PRESENCE
Talking Points for the President

Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I'm honored to be here at the Army War College, where generations of officers have come to study the strategies and history of warfare. As I look out over this crowd of obedient, stony-faced buzzcuts, I can't help but marvel at the fact that for all your great knowledge and experience, you suckers are taking orders from a guy who mocks academia and skipped out on Vietnam. Who says the Good Lord doesn't have a sense of humor? (Laughs.)

Anyway, I've come here tonight to use you all as a patriotic prop while I tell the voters that despite Iraq's having imploded into a vortex of ultimate chaos, that everything is actually going just like I said it would. Well, except for that whole part about when I promised we'd find WMD's – and that those Iraqazoid sand monkeys couldn't wait for America
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to wipe our combat boots on their faces. I mean, who would have guessed those people would have hard feelings about me using laser-guided mega-bombs to turn thousands of their children into really tan little versions of Christopher Reeve? Talk about your hell-bound cranklepusses!

As we all know, the actions of our enemies over the last few weeks have been brutal. We've seen car bombings, a beheading, and bright young American soldiers with incredible futures being snuffed out like so many packs of the Parliament Menthols my wife doesn't smoke on the Truman Balcony. And that's just on FOX and the rest of the obedient domestic news media. If you had Al Jazeera or an advance copy of Michael Moore's new movie, you'd see the really bloody and kinky stuff – the stuff that we're doing!

Now I know that all of this is unpleasant to registered independents, and that is why today, rather than confuse folks by trying to introduce a big mess of specifics and new ideas about how I'm going to make Iraq somewhat less of a total clusterfuck, I want to regurgitate five key points of the same old plan that Paul Wolfowitz put together years before I was even installed as President.

(Dutiful Applause.)

They are as follows:

  1. "Transfer Full Sovereignty to a Government of Iraqi Citizens"
    This is the heart of that whole FREEDOM® thing I keep yapping about. In just four weeks, we'll be forcing the Iraqazoids to accept an all-new government. This totally sovereign and self-determining body will be made up entirely of persons vetted by the CIA as being capable of comfortably accommodating the entire forearm of the U.S. State Department inside their rectums. We're talking full-out Kermit the Frog action here, folks! I'm confident they'll do a fabulous job.

  2. "Help Establish the Stability and Security That Democracy Require"
    Basically, this means that we build military bases. Lots of them. We dot the Iraqastan landscape with mighty Christian fortresses as a testament to the Arabiac's inferior inability to take care of themselves. Also – and this is the ONE NEW THING I'll be saying tonight – you know that "Abu the Great" prison where my administration gave you military schlubs the green light to bust out all that crazy, homo-flavored torture? Well now that it's a gleaming symbol of American hypocrisy, I'm ordering that sucker torn down before some Amnesty International fruitcake goes and turns it into a museum. Because the last thing I want is my portrait hanging in some freaky S&M diorama inside Iraq's Auschwitz. You know what I'm saying?

  3. "Continue Rebuilding That Nation's Infrastructure"
    This involves the completely benevolent and non-self-serving awarding of multi-billion dollar federal contracts for the totally altruistic construction of buildings & facilities, water treatment plants, roads & highways, railroads, airports, ports & harbors, dams & desert hydropower facilities, and if you can believe it, even oil plants, oil wells, and oil pipelines. After all, it was us who bombed them in the first place, so we might as well spend a couple trillion deficit dollars building 'em back up!

  4. "Enlist Additional International Support For Iraq's Transition"
    At the heart of this idea is the notion that after we've spent three years lobbing doggy poopy snowballs at our so-called allies in the United Nations, we now tell them we're ready for them to go in and clean up the disaster zone I created in Iraq. Of course, I recognize that at this point, most folks in the U.N. want nothing more than to watch yours truly writhe helplessly like a wooly mammoth in a tar pit. They think that if America gets what it deserves for invading Iraq for no good reason, that maybe I will be voted out of office. Right, like the will of the majority has ever stood in the way of me getting what I want. (Laughs.) Which brings me to the fifth and final point of my plan.

  5. "Free, National Elections, to be Held No Later Than Next January" That's right, Iraq gets quality, America-style elections. Why, we're even talking to my good friends at Diebold to make sure those elections go just as smooth as a Tijuana hooker's taint. Because at the end of the day, I want Iraq to experience FREEDOM®, so long as it's exactly how I define it. Fortunately, if at some later date, those Muslamian loonybirds decide to get all uppity and do something stupid like try to tell us to leave or control their own oil supply, we'll already have 138,000 Christian soldiers on the scene, ready to kill whoever's pissing me off.
I trust that this inspired new plan, coming only fifteen months after we invaded, clears everything up and restores America's faith in my perfection. Because as soon as we as a nation return to a state of vegetative denial, the sooner we can ignore the fact that we're LOSING the War on Terror, and return to jubilantly pumping our obese, clammy fists in the air and vacuously bellowing the hollow "Mission Accomplished" victory chant of "USA! USA! USA!"

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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