THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. My remarks today are meant as my very firstest ever apology, and are directed to the millions of Middle Easternarians who are all hot and bothered over the steady stream of boner-popping Polaroids coming out of Saddam bin Laden's rape rooms now that they're under FREEDOM^® management. You know it's funny, I never would have thought you people would find a little man skin so upsetting. I mean, it's not like we took the black trash bags off the heads of those dogs you call women. Now that would be humiliating! (Laughs.)

So anyway, yeah, the apology. I have to confess, it's times like this when a President has to make tough decisions. On one hand, I have my chief political advisor Karl Rove hissing that apologizing will make me look like a squirrelly little homo to America's all-important red state NASCAR dads. But then on the other hand, I've got my Oreo cookie boy, Colin Powell, insisting that we're headed down the road to World War III with you hell-bound camel-humpers unless I do something to make nice-nice. He says if I keep hocking lugies in your collective Islamian face, that one day soon you people will join forces and whoop America's ass but good – maybe even killing thousands of innocent civilians, or worse, seizing my luxury ranch in Crawford!

Get the GODLY New Book!

Well that last part convinced me. Which is why today, I want you people to know that I am so very, very, extra-very sorry that you are such uptight, prudish lunatics, that you can't even handle a few harmless snapshots of your beloved macho men being emotionally castrated by jeering American meatheads. You know, the great fair and balanced commentator Rush Limbaugh recently said that America's treatment of detainees at Abu-Ghraib prison has been no worse than "fraternity hazing." Well he's right on the money folks, and I speak from experience on the matter! Heck, unless any of them Iraqazoids got fisted by a a colored New Haven streetwalker with three-inch sparkle nails, I'd say us DKE boys had it way worse off back in the day! (Laughs.) Anyway, sexual humiliation is a proud American tradition. We've got over 2 million dimebag-hawking cell monkeys on ice right now who can tell you all about it!

But all that said, you people gotta admit some of those pictures are pretty funny. When I saw the one of that little lezbo-lookin' girlie smiling and laughing while she pointed at that sorry sucker whacking his pud right out there in the open, I just about busted a nut! (Laughs.) Or the one where they're sicking the dogs on that hairy gorilla dude? He's so scared, he looks like he's dancing himself some kind of little wikki-wikki-woo there! (Laughs.) And hell, none of you have even seen the really good ones yet! My favorite is the one where our CIA guys are making the Iraqis play soggy biscuit, except instead of a cracker, they're using a folded up page from the Koran! (Laughs.)

Of course, I can't say any of that publicly here at home, which is why my wife Pickles has been telling everyone in the media who'll listen that she "can't bear to look" at those pictures. Big surprise there. That broad's so scared of nekkidness, I can't even get her to watch Skinemax with me, let alone stop showering in the one-piece bathing suit. But I digressify. Back to the apologizationing.

Let me repeat myself: I'm real, real, real sorry. Sorry that those pictures ever got leaked. (Laughs.) It will never happen again – on account of I've ordered that all our disposable enlisted grunts are now totally forbidden to carry their own cameras. (Laughs.)

In closing, I want to make it up to you. That's right, make it up to all the persons living in Arabastan. Because you see, I understand that deep, deep down, you people (just like the Jews and liberals) aren't happy unless you're mad and whining about something. And that is why I have decided to rub your big brown vulture beaks in a steaming pile of humiliation by keeping Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the job. Then every day, you can tune in to that Al Jazeebus thing of yours and see him there giving the update on how many of you we've killed that day. And every time he does that little squinty thing with his eyes where it looks almost like he's laughing, you can rest assured that in the back of his mind, he (and I) are indeed laughing. Laughing at YOU!

Naw, just joshing witcha! I'd never laugh at you people – not even if the oil stopped flowing. (Laughter.) Then I'd just kill you. Oh wait, that's what I'm already doing! (Laughs.) Whatever.

So thank you, sorry sorry yadda yadda sorry, and God Bless America!

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