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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - April 20, 2004 - 1:04 P.M. (EST)

Remarks by the Vice President

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you. It's always great to be back in the hot bosom of the National Rifle Association. I want to thank NRA CEO Mr. Wayne LaPierre for the kind and fabulously-compensated invitation. Let's give Mr. LaPierre a hand.


I know, I know, sometimes it's almost uncontrollably tempting to riddle old Wayne with high caliber bullets on account of his girly French last name, but we really shouldn't – so long as he keeps that river of soft money flowing due RIGHT.


What a pleasure it is to be here among so devoted players of the great sport of guns. I just can't tell you how much this sport means to me. Along with snowmobiles, model trains, and slot machines, guns are one of the few legitimate, vigorous sports with real appeal for us pudgy bureaucrats with hummingbird hearts.
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The Second Amendment to the Constitution clearly states that "the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." And by "arms," our musket-wielding founding fathers clearly envisioned today's AK-47's and UZI's, just as they also envisioned tomorrow's home anthrax mortars, personal nuke grenades, and minivan-mounted laser death rays. President Bush and I understand that, which is why you can count on us – unlike John Kerry –to preserve your right to be armed to your remaining teeth.


Everyone knows that you're not really a real man unless you own a gun. One's masculinity and TOUGHNESS is directly proportional to how much firepower he keeps under his pillow. This incredible TOUGHNESS is reinforced by our ability to realize that the world around us is a DANGEROUS and SCARY place, and that if we TOUGH guys don't pack heat, MEAN men will jump out of the shadows and give us BOO-BOOS. And ayone who doesn't undertand that is just a CHICKENSHIT PUSSY!


Now as some of you may have heard, today is the five-year anniversary of certain events that transpired at a Colorado high school by the name of "Columbine."


I know, I know – you're all tired of hearing about it. President Bush and I are, too. We know it was a minor happenstance of no deeper significance. In fact, it was only the shamelessly liberal media, which drooled over it like my daughter Mary ordering a burger at Hooters, which convinced the American people that Columbine was even worthy of their attention. I mean, so a dozen people died. Hell, President Bush and I kill a dozen Iraqi civilians every day before breakfast! If there's one lesson from the Columbine barrel-shoot, it's this: if every pimple-faced teen in that school had even a .22 snubnose taped inside their Trapper Keeper, those two boys would have barely made it through the front door.

What blows me away (winks) is that even now, five years later, people point to Columbine and dare to suggest that guns are responsible for those deaths. Well if you ask me, it's like the NRA leadership likes to say, "guns don't kill people, people kill people." How deep and profoundly true that is! And today, I think it's time we shed a tear or two for the real gun victims in this situation: the poor guns themselves!


Indeed! Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold carried a vast arsenal of inherently harmless weaponry into school on April 20, 1999. And where are those weapons today? Lockdown! Illegally imprisoned as "evidence" without due process or a trial – all due to the crimes of two stupid kids driven to the edge of insanity by countless torturous hours of being forced to listen to leftist, intellectual elite teachers.


That's right. And to think that we actually have people in this country crying about raghead terrorists being denied their rights down in commie Cuba, when we've got perfectly innocent weapons being persecuted right here at home! I submit to you that it is unjust that those poor, innocent assault weapons used at Columbine are being denied their God-ordained destiny to deliver rapidfire blizzards of lead into the heads of sneaky Colorado sparrows and game beasts!


And I pledge to you today, that if re-elected, President Bush and I will see to it that not only will limits on weapons of medium destruction become a thing of the past, but that TEC-9's, M-16's, and all proud breeds of automatic military surplus seized by the U.S. government will once again be granted the FREEDOM® to be sold to severely disburbed 16 year-old boys – so help us Jesus!

(Rapturous Applause.)

WAYNE LAPIERRE: Mr. Vice President, on behalf of the NRA, and in recognition of your devoted friendship to the goals of our organization, we are proud to present you with this lovely antique reproduction Winchester muzzle-loader.

[The Ornate Precious Metal Ceremonial Musket is Presented.]

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Man, this little thing looks like a piece of jewelry! Don't you have any non-faggot guns?


No, I love it, really. You gave my pal Antonin one just like it last year. Now when we go on conflict-of-interest hunting trips, more than just our stories will match.

Thank you NRA, and God Bless America!

(Thunderous Chanting of "Dick n' Bush, Dick n' Bush!")


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