THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today it is my pleasure to once again play host to Israeloid Prime Minister Ariel Sharonberg. Ariel says he came all the way to Washington to tell me about his wonderful new idea for improving my "Road Map to Middle Eastern Peace." But he's not kidding anyone. We know the greedy cheapskate really came for the free catered lunch and the Presidential Seal towels that always seem to go missing from the Lincoln Bedroom after he visits.

(Laughter.)

But seriously, when you boil it all down, the thing the Judys and the Palestinos are killing each other over is nothing more than land. And let's face it: it's piece-of-crap land at that. Acre after ugly acre of arid, rocky dirt that makes Crawford look like Tahiti. But those crazy unsaved folks over there will fight to the death over a piece of petrified dog poop! Well today, three years after kicking off the whole darned bloodbath with his visit to the Temple Mount, Ariel suddenly has a brilliant solution: Israel hands over the extra-shitty Gaza land, keeps the OK West Bank land it stole, and scoops up a bunch more olive orchards just for the hell of it.

Now at first I thought this sounded like a typical Hebe swindle, but when Ariel kept yakking the hard sell and breathing his nasty gefilte breath on me, I figured "why not?" I mean, whatever, right? Now that I've whipped up so much anarchy in that nutty region, it isn't like we have to worry about doing something that will ruin the Middle East anymore. Hell, sometimes I just wish that right after World War II, we had just changed the name of New York City to "Israel," blown the shit out of the bridges and tunnels and be done with it!

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Of course, my biggest campaign backers insist that cannot be. Yes, America's Evangelical Christianity industry says that Israel must be carved out of Arabiastan, and that no matter how many totally valid reasons the Bible and Mel Gibson give us to hate Jews, we must at least pretend to respect Hell-bound Kikes for just a wee bit longer. And then before you know it, us born-again Protestant American Christians will be rewarded when Jesus magically swooshes down on a big, fluffy cumulous cloud to herd all the Jews together for a one-way trip to a literal eternity of being tortured by Satan in his fabulous subterranean concentration camp!

Speeding up that inevitable and God-ordained future is a big part of why I'm enduring Prime Ministein Sharonburger today. But you know, I also want to say that having watched the way Ariel operates over the past few years, I have come to sort of admire him. In fact, me and him have a lot in common – and I'm not just talking about our shared gift for accusing anyone who thinks we're ultra-radical psychos of being terrorist-fellators and/or anti-Semites.

No, because it turns out that in grade school, we were both the kind of kid who believed in fair and even-handed retribution. You know, like when some dork at lunch hits your sneaker with a spitball, and so you walk over and smash him in the face with a cafeteria tray until his cranium cracks like those thin layers of ice on puddles when you slam an L.L. Bean heel onto them? Or when the poor skinny kid who lives next door to you knocks over your bike on purpose, and so you go over and jam four M-80's up his cat's ass, light her little kitty-crack and throw her through his folks' living room plate glass window? Same goes for me and Ariel! Who ever woulda guessed that a fat little jew boy named after a font could be such a badass?

Anyway, I really hope that the non-Semantics of the Middle East will like Ariel's new plan as much as me. But if not, I won't be surprised. After all, me and my Sharona here have spent the past three years pissing off those Islamiac loonybirds so bad, we could offer to lop off our own heads with chainsaws and feed them to the pigs, and those terror monkeys would still say it was a Zionoid plot to dominate them. They'd probably be right, too.

And so, for all these reasons and more, I am pleased to announce my wholehearted endorsement of Prime Minister Sharonski's impressive new commitment to peace with the Palestardiacs by blowing them to pieces and giving them a jumpstart on that Armageddon thing. I'm sure that if his previous attempts at sincere reconciliation are any indication, that his Muslimese neighbors can look forward to a friendly fleet of American-made helicopter gunships reducing their ghettos to even-smaller pebbles within a matter of days. And we can also guarantee that no matter how ruineded everything looks after it has been shot to oblivion, when the shrapnel clears, those Jewishes and Arabiacs will wake up the next morning and start fighting over it all over again.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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