REMARKS BY FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH DENOUNCING SO-CALLED INTELLECTUALS TOO DENSE TO NOTICE AMERICA'S WONDROUS PROGRESS IN IRAQ
Remarks by the Former President to American Strip-Miner and Clear-Cutter Coalition
THE FORMER PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. What a pleasure it is to be here among so many familiar faces at the
American Strip-Miner and Clear-Cutter Coalition. Thank you for the surf-n-turf and bottomless Johnny Walker glasses.
I see that Bar is signaling that her well is dry again. My advice is to hop on that boys if you don't want to leave
with cauliflower ears.
You know, your friendship means so much to me and Bar. How could we not take a day off from
playing our family game of "Guess How Much?" with a stack of House of Saud checks and tooling around in our 1920's teak cigarette
boat to accept fifteen totally non-influence-buying cashiers checks, each made out for the under-the-radar amount of $9,999,
for just standing up here and yakking it up for an agreed-upon time not to exceed 30 minutes?
Now as you may have heard, yesterday I gave another duly compensated speech
to the National Petrochemical and Refiners Association over in San Antonio. I told them how darned
ANGRY I get over intellectuals daring to imply that my boy George ever executes an order of mine – especially about
Iraq – that is not 100% correct and free from incompetence. Well after that speech, my wife and I were sipping Dom
Perignon in our Gulfstream V jet while flying back to our seaside mansion, and I got to thinking about those
damned elites again, and I got so ticked off, I kicked the burled walnut floorboard and scuffed my hand-made loafer!
And I have more to say on this matter, too. Because despite what the liberal media may be reporting, things are
going GREAT over in Iraq. You know they say that the best jokes always have a kernel of truth in them. Well there's a great old
joke about a Jewish grandmother who gives her grandson two sweaters for Christmas. The boy immediately takes that
little bra cup thing off his head so he can put one sweater on to show his thanks. But when he finally gets his
sideburn ponytails untangled from the thing and shows her he's wearing it, all she can do is whine, "Whatza mattah,
you don't like the other one, Shlomo?!"
Well folks, the news media is that Jewish grandmother – negative and critical to her Christ-killer core.
You build a new oil pipeline in Mosul, and she says, "What about the bombing in Baghdad?" You drill a dozen new
wells outside of Dahuk, and she snorts "What about the riots in Kirkuk?" You get a refining station back online outside
of Sinjar, and she yaps "Look at all the dead Americans GI's in Tikrit!" It's nothing short of insanity.
That's why today, I challenge the media to kick off its Jew granny panties, and start focusing on the countless signs of progress and
FREEDOM® in Iraq. I mean, what about the millions of Iraqis who are NOT among the vast influx
of highly organized terror groups? What about that one town where people are NOT still afraid to go outside after
dark? And more than anything, what about the hundreds of thousands of homesick Americans who are NOT being firebombed
and having their charred carcasses mutilated with shovels by bloodthirsty mobs of hate-crazed children? That's what I'd
like to see!
You know, each one of our children is a piece of us. And that's why when people have the gall to criticize my boy,
I can't help but get spitting mad. I remember one time when George was in kindergarten. His teacher called me in one
day and told me he had a "problem with sharing," and that he was "arrogant" and "didn't listen." Well you can bet your
last defoliated Redwood grove that I grabbed that uppity twat by her stringy mop of greasy hair and gave her
a piece of my mind. I said to her, "Now you listen here you academic elite intelligentsia liberal lezbo traitor, that boy you're talking
trash about is a BUSH! And that means that anything and everything that he does is PERFECT, you hear me?!"
These days, whenever I see some pinko pundit on TV or read some smartypants "op-ed" daring to trot out a bunch of facts in a
well-reasoned analysis of this Administration, I feel like I'm right back there at St. Thomas' Country Day School in New Haven,
and well, my fist starts to twitching something awful. Because if there's one thing that is central to my family's
parenting philosophy, it is the knowledge that by virtue of our superior genetics, our children are incapable of
being wrong or making mistakes. Their poopies don't smell. I've checked! And well... to hear common trash suggest they are... I just can't help but get...
you know... a little... upset sometimes. (Sobs.)
BARBARA BUSH: Stop crying, you big pussy! There are reporters here!
THE FORMER PRESIDENT: Now Bar, what did we say about you and the–
BARBARA BUSH: (Slaps President.) Speech over, Nancyboy. Tell 'em to fire up the Gulfstream. We're going home. Boy at the bar – that'll
be to go. Poppy, did you at least remember to get the checks this time?
THE FORMER PRESIDENT: Yes, Bar.
BARBARA BUSH: Then let's roll, dammit.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT: Thank you, and God Bless Strip-Mined and Clear-Cut America!