PRESIDENT COMMEMORATES 23rd ANNIVERSARY OF BOTCHED REAGAN SHOOTING WHICH NEARLY BEGAT A GLORIOUSLY ELONGATED GEORGE H.W. BUSH REIGN
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. Twenty-three years ago today, at almost this very moment, a brave bullet was making its
way across a stretch of dirty DC sidewalk, headed right into the geriatric chestal region of America's recently-elected
President, Ronald Wilson Reagan. And friends, never was the expression "Guns Don't Kill People" more true than on that very day.
Yes, for had the President's decrepit, already Alzheimers-ravaged body responded in the anticipated manner to the effects of
that wholly unexpected attack perpetrated by a random lunatic totally unaffiliated with myself or my Asian hooker-porking brother
Neil, American history would have been drastically altered. Specifically,
Vice President George H.W. Bush, former head of the CIA (and my daddy), would have rightfully ascended to the Oval Office –
for which he had just campaigned so fiercely for nearly two years. Boy howdy, life is sure full of crazy coincidences sometimes, isn't it?
And so today, on the anniversary of this almost monumental event, we pause for a moment of silence, and entertain what should
have – er, what might have been. Thank you, and God Bless America.