PRESIDENT URGES HAITI'S WOULD-BE BOAT PEOPLE TO BEWARE THE TERRIFYING VOODOO CURSE THAT LAYS WASTE ALL WHO DARE TRESPASS NEAR PIVOTAL FLORIDA COUNTIES
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Attention people of Haiti! This is George W. Bush, Commander in Chief and Supreme Ruler of the United
States of the World. I bid you to listen carefully!
[Lights 12" Black Phallus Candle.]
I speak to you now to issue a most grave and urgent warning. Today, your President, Jean-Bertrand
Aristide, is no more. Under blackness of night, he was spirited away to a darkened place none shall see!
[Eats Handful of Graveyard Dirt.]
Today your island world is in chaos. But hear my words and obey the commands of this servant of power!
[Rings Cow Bell.]
To those among you who would seek to escape poverty and suffering and flee by boat to the shores of Florida...
[Holds Human Femur Bone Aloft.]
Bones of Haiti, bones of thigh, all refugee trash shall surely die!
[Throws Rotten Egg Over Left Shoulder.]
I call upon the Ancient Ones from the great abyss. Grant my brother Jebby his fondest wish...
[Blows Fistful of Myrrh and Saltpeter.]
Watchers of the threshold, sentinels of the gate, keep all Haitian parasites out of his state!
[Spits Tobacco into Skull Chalice.]
But should French-sounding hordes set out for his beaches, encrust their vile privates with thousands of leeches!
[Snaps Sacred Root in Two.]
Florida voters are thick and they're dullards, and the one thing they hate is an influx of coloreds!
[Ignites Tuft of Goat Hair.]
So heed my warning and board no ferries, lest the Electoral College go to John Kerry!
[Plunges Dagger Into Chest of Live Rooster.]
Thou shall be blinded by the fear! Blinded by the pain! Blinded by my greatness! And in Haiti forever remain!
[Buries Face in Bloody Plumage of the Thrashing Fowl to Guzzle Its Hemorrhaging Life Force.]
OOOOOGA BOOOOGA! OOOOOGA BOOOOGA! OOOOOGA BOOOOGA! OOOOOGA BOOOOGA!
[Laughter.]
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