THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. This past week, in a shocking act of civil disobedience, San Francissyco Mayor Gavin Newsom gave the green light to open the gates of Hell and start marrying off pole-smokers and rug-munchers just as fast as his limp-wristed little lady paw could sign swishy John Hancocks on Fagtown wedding licenses. To add insult to injury, Mr. Newsom – a Democrat, naturally – intentionally kicked off this abomination on Valentines Day, a holiday invented by Hallmark specifically so normal people could look down on queers.

Well Mayor Felcher has another thing coming if he thinks I'm just gonna sit idly by with Laura's thumb up my ass while he repudiates California Governor Schwarzenigger's wholesomeness by sanctifying the unholy unions of pitcher and catcher, butch and dyke, village person and other village person, and so on down the mincing cunga line.

Now, don't get me wrong. When you're nine years old, it's perfectly normal behavior to, say, get a little frisky with your fellow Kamp Kayuga Kemosabe bunkmates – so long as it stays in the showers or the woods. But when you keep on playing "Doggy, Doggy, Where's Your Bone?" or "Fist the Tail of the Donkey" right into adultdom, you might as

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well paint a pentagram on the ground with fetus blood, piss on the bible, and cry aloud, "Are you there, Satan? It's me, Mary!" And no, I ain't talking about the Virgin Matriarch.

As President, it is my responsibility to confront any and all such enemies of the libidinal status quo. And so this morning, in addition to calling on Congress to pass my constitutional amendment, I want to deliver a brief message to any Bay Area sodomites who might be thinking of sashaying down to city hall to get themselves one of these novelty fake marriages. Here we go...

Attention all deviant abominations of San Francisco. This is your President you voted overwhelmingly against speaking. As you no doubt have been told, same-sex marriage is illegal in the state of California. That said, I know that many of you Adams and Steves believe that by breaking that law, you are being some kind of civil rights trailblazers. You think you're like that rude colored lady Rosa Parks, who suffered from delusions of non-inferiority. You think you're like that uppity broad Susan B. Anthony, who hallucinated that women are capable of having opinions. And yes, you probably think you're like Richard and Mildred Loving, who demanded that Virginia give them special rights to flaunt the unthinkable perversion of interracial marriage. Well guess what? You're right. You're just like all of those people – a sickening byproduct of liberalism. But just like my right-wing personal forefathers who fought tooth and nail against the aforementioned scum, I too shall do everything in my power to ensure that you remain second-class citizens: reviled, despised, and worthy only of being dragged for miles behind the pickup trucks of my most devoted ideological brethren.

In short, go ahead and try to marry your own gender. But know that when any man fucks with another man, he's also fucking with a Bush. And when you do that, a Bush gets nasty. And a nasty Bush is the last thing you wanna fuck around with. Just ask my dad.

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