MR. MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Recent days have seen the ferocious re-emergence of AWOLgate as a major factor in President Bush's approval ratings nosedive. As Press Secretary, I must tell you boys and girls of the corporate media machine how disappointed the President has been watching you arrogantly shimmy out of the handsome patent leather submission harnesses he worked so hard to charm you in to back during the 2000 campaign. In short, your appalling impudence has been noted, and your punishments are forthcoming.

But in the meantime, today I am pleased to announce that the White House is taking decisive action to once and for all put to rest all those nagging facts which paint a vivid, historically accurate picture of the President having skipped out on his sweetheart post in the Air National Guard. Specifically, we are pleased to release the following eyewitness statements from persons in and around the Alabama National Guard headquarters, any one of which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that our Godly President was not evading Vietnam with honor and dignity.

INCONTROVERTIBLE EYEWITNESS PROOF OF HONORABLE SERVICE:
Cptn. Tom Stryker: Oh yes, I absolutely, positively remember Lieutenant George W. Bush. Specifically, I remember him buzzing the control tower back in July of 1972. Why it stands out in my mind so clearly is that he wasn't even in a plane.	Lt. Col. John Johnson: All this rattletrap about Lt. Bush not showing up in 1972 is nonsense. He didn't just show up on weekends; he was there every day. Well, until the end of his sentence. I never saw him after he was escorted from my brig.
Col. Mike Kirby: Me and GWB saw some heavy shit in the 'Nam, Pilgrim. Right there on the TV at Rawhide's Truck-n-Beer off I-65. Once on CBS I watched this Negra boy get offed by a gook, and I snapped – but ol' Crazy Horse Bush was there t'cradle my head, shake his fist, and swear if Charlie ever set foot in 'Bama – we'd Napalm the bastards just like the handbook says.	G. Gordon Liddy: Sure I remember him. In 1972, I was collaborating intimately with President Nixon and Dick Cheney and George's dad on matters of urgent political security. And whenever duty required I patronize the Birmingham Radio Shack, George would pick me up in a hotwired motor pool Jeep, and we'd kick back a few while discussing campaign ethics.
Ms. Velvet LaBouche: Oh sure I knew George Bush in Alabama. He was always around the house in 1972. In fact, all the girls missed him so much when he left for Harvard, we made up a little rhyme to remember him by: "Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, serviced us gals till our cooters went dry. When Madame Sophie collected the tab, Georgie Porgie was teeming with crabs!"	Pvt. Pablo Cocaczar: Oh yeah, I remember that dude in Alabama. I was like way broke, but the base C.O. kept me on latrine duty for like five years, right? But then that hombre Bush shows up, and I made enough money to buy a new El Dorado on all the blow he scored from me. He'd do this funny thing where he'd put a pretzel rod through the hole where his septum used to be!
Maj. Steven Smith: I just don't understand all these people who have no recollection of Lt. Bush being here in Alabama. I, for one, specifically remember him reporting for duty on a regular basis. And by "duty," I mean staggering up to the Commissary check-out with a basket of Mezcal handles and a fistful of Marlboro coupons.	Maj. Chritian St. Harper: As another son of a well-connected billionaire, I was in the same Guard unit with George Bush. We served our golf cart polo squadrons proudly – and you better believe the President when he says that his rubber stamp "honorable" discharge explicitly confirms that our service wasn't a laughable farce.
Danforth J. Quayle: George W. and I both weathered Vietnam in the Guard. And while we never met back then, I do remember how right after I bombed the VP debate with Lloyd Bentsen, George threw me against a cement wall backstage and screamed, "Quayle, you remind me of this stupid fuck from my old unit in 'Bama!"	Ms. Randi Ryder: Oh he was in Alabama, all right. I remember like yesterday him snorting a line that went clear from my tushy to toenails on a cold metal picnic table out back of a bar in Tuscaloosa. Now, if you could get the boy to drop his drawers, I'd be extra positive. I never forget a dick.

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