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Gov. Howard Dean
c/o Dean For America
P.O. Box 1228
Burlington, Vermont 05402
January 27, 2004
Dear Jughead,
Hello from the Oval Office! As I write you this evening, over 85% of New Hampshire
precincts have reported their primary results, and as you probably already know, Senator
Lurch Kerry has schooled your dwarf ass once again. True, it wasn't as bad as Iowa, where
you got whooped worse than an antebellum slavegirl daring to tell Strom Thurmond "no."
But still, it really doesn't look good for you.
I want you to know how seriously bummed out everyone here at the White House is about
your campaign totally imploding and all. We were really looking forward to you being the
Democratic nominee, Howard. Now I know that some folks think we were only saying that
publicly as a kind of brilliant reverse psychology maneuver to sour Democrats on you because
we secretly feared that you were the only one who could beat us in November. To which all
I can say is – right, like we're that smart!
Truth is, I really wanted you, man – and I was plenty pissed at Karl for spilling the beans
about it! I mean, you're perfect. There's not a thing about you that I couldn't have spun into
pure campaign gold south of the Manson-Nixon line: from the whole "mean and angry liberal"
image we spent so much time fabricating and propagating in the media, to your having
signed the Vermont fag sex law, to you bunking with that colored back at Yale – even to
being an Old Money New England Blueblood who didn't even have the good sense to move to Texas
and pretend to be a cowboy. And that's not even mentioning your space alien, Gloria Steinem,
Jew wife with the greasy hair and giant Chiclet teeth!
Oh well. I just wanted you to know that tonight, as Laura and I retire to our separate
bedrooms, that we're praying for you, Howie. And after you, we're praying for the other Yankees,
Kerry and Lieberman. Whatever it takes to keep John Edwards down – because HE is the
Dixieland pretty boy with the silver tongue who makes me wake up every night in a puddle
of Tequila-scented sweat.
I hope you enjoy returning to your medical practice. I'll swing by some time when I'm due
for a prostate exam.
Your Patronizing Nemesis,
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