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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - January 23, 2004 - 1:44 P.M. (EST)

Official Public Statement

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. I want to thank the press corps for accommodating Justice Scalia and me in our desire to deliver today's statement from the Eisenhower Building Executive Hot Tub – newly refitted to run not on water, but on silky, lubricating, reinvigoratingly bubbly crude oil. It feels real good in here, don't it, Tony? (Splashes.)


THE VICE PRESIDENT: As you know, recent days have seen a torrent of whining complaints from America-hating liberals about the warm and decent bonds of friendship between Antonin and myself. They say that just because the Supreme Court is about to hear arguments on whether or not I get to keep secrets about what went down in my Energy Task Force meetings with Enron, that it's somehow untoward for Tony-Roni and me to be chumming it up on our free time. Specifically, they are so bereft of common sense that they think it looks fishy when we have private dinners and go on weekend duck hunting trips together.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I can be objective.

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THE VICE PRESIDENT: You pipe down, sweet cheeks. I'm doing the talking here. (Pushes Antonin's head beneath surface.)

These Democraps are getting their BVDs in a skidmarked bunch over thinking that just because I'm the Vice President of the United States, and my little Scalia-Maria here is a United States Supreme Court justice, that we need to be especially sensitive to even the blatant appearance of gross conflicts of interest and crony capitalism. What nonsense. So what if he's a judge and I'm a defendant? It's not like I'm getting preferential treatment just because I'm one bullet away from being the most powerful man on Earth. Tony-Marscaponi here would do that with anyone! Why, if fate had seen fit to put him on some ghetto municipal court, you can bet a cool Bill Bennett million that Justice Scalia would be dining and hunting with every two-bit dime bag dealer and street walker on his docket – even the colored ones.

JUSTICE SCALIA: (Head emerges.) No I wouldn't.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well sure you would! Now get back down there and pick out all that back hair of yours that's clogging the filter! (Pushes Antonin's head under again.)

Anyway, people should know that Antonio-onio and I go waaaaay back. We both served in high level positions in the ethically spotless Richard Nixon Administration, he in the Office of Telecommunications Policy, and I as a Special Assistant. Then after President Nixon voluntarily left office in a noble wave of honor and integrity, Tony-Poney and I both righteously ascended up the power ladder under Gerry Ford. I became Chief of Staff, and Tony was appointed Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel at the Justice Department. So you see, we've been hanging around for decades – which automatically means that anything and everything we do together is beyond reproach!

JUSTICE SCALIA: (Head emerges.) We have fun together, Dick.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yes we do, Sugar Bear! (Rubs Antonin's tummy vigorously.)

And do you know what I liked best about our fun duck hunting trip to Louisiana, Tony-Boney?

JUSTICE SCALIA: That even us military-evading fatties got to dress up in fatigues and wave big guns around like enormous, lead-ejaculating schlongs, Dick?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: No, all the killing, silly! Well, that and the food. Lynne won't let me eat duck at home, on account of we use rubber sheets, and when I get the fowl vapors, she says it's like sleeping in a gas chamber.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I liked that even though I'm about to stand in judgment over a case in which you're accused of allowing improper influence by oil companies, that we both had zero compunction about accepting a gift vacation – including round-trip transportation on a GulfStream jet – from Wallace Carline, the owner of Diamond Services Corp., an oil services company based in Louisiana.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Shhhhhhh! That's the part that America's crackerjack journalism professionals keep forgetting to emphasize, Tony-Baloney!


Ahem. So in closing, I just want to say again – nobody needs to worry their pretty little heads about me and Tony cozying up together and plotting to obstruct justice. Just because there's a noxious plume of jet-black smoke billowing from the West Wing, it sure as shit doesn't mean there's any fire.

Thank you, and God Bless America.


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