PRESIDENT COMMANDS FORMER SEC. PAUL "BITTER FRUITCAKE" O'NEILL TO RETURN ALL MEGA-SECRET DOCUMENTS PROTECTING AMERICA FROM TOTAL DESTRUCTION
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. My remarks today are directed at former Treasury Secretary O'Neill. Paul, on Sunday night,
you finally showed your true colors by appearing on the liberal propaganda conduit "60 Minutes" to whine, stomp your little ballerina feet,
shill that book, and dare to suggest I am even one kilo shy of divine perfection. And while I've pretty much always
hated your guts, now I know I hated them less back when you were traipsing around Africastan with that fatso Mick singer "Boner."
Paul, while I want your face out of the news ASAP, you and I have one little piece of unfinished business. Specifically, I hear
that when fleeing the Treasury in a snitty huff after I shitcanned you, you took some documents. I'm told you claim they have nothing
to do with the war on terror. Well you're wrong, because fight terror is all my administration does, O'Neill! I wipe my ass on a square
of Charmin, and
that sucker gets CLASSIFIED for national security! And THAT is why I want those documents back, Paul. Ten in particular must be
returned IMMEDIATELY. They are as follows:
#1:
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#2:
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#3:
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#4:
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#5:
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#6:
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#7:
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#8:
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#9:
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#10:
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White House Information:
