PRESIDENT BUSH RESPONDS TO IRAN'S REJECTION OF HIS MAGNANIMOUS OFFER TO HELP EVILDOER SCUM RECOVER FROM THEIR GOD-PRESCRIBED TECTONIC PUNISHMENT
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Please be seated. As everyone knows by now, the morning of December 28th saw the Good Lord –
totally fed up with watching his favorite country's beautiful flag burned in the streets of Tehran by yapping packs of yodeling towel-monkeys – showed
his undying love for the United States by wiping out over 30,000 Iranistazis for believing in the wrong version of Him. Unleashing
one of His signature pre-dawn, high-magnitude tectonic corrections on the city of Bam, God bellowed to its America-hating vermin,
"Go directly to Hell. Do not pass 'Go.' Do not collect $200 Billion in drilling rights contracts!" And then, with one swift slam of
His enormous fist, the Lord Jesus, in his unquenchable fury, made that little town of Allah-butt kissers lives up to its
name. BAM! [laughs]
Yes, God saw fit, once again, to unleash a divine weapon of mass destruction on sleeping children. And speaking as someone who
strictly enforces attendance at all-night White House Bible study keggers, I can tell you that the Lord has never much
liked the Arabiac rugrats of that part of the
World. Used to be, He'd just ask the Israelites to hack those babies to pieces (Hosea 13:16). But now the Lord of the Universe has
finally realized – just like I have being the Lord of the World – that if you want a job done right, you need to do it yourself, especially
if you've pissed off all your allies.
So let it be known that there is no point in shedding tears over folks the Lord must have had a good reason to kill. (Unless, of course, you're on
live TV in an election year!) Because when the Lord smashes an adobe doorway, He opens a Halliburton-installed window!
Now, I've never been one to second-guess the Lord's wisdom when it doesn't concern booze, blow, or poontang. But in this case,
the potential for some good press was too great to pass up, so last week I went ahead and offered Iranica's
evil-doing leaders a disaster response team and a box of Band-Aids. And well wouldn't you know it, those tricky camel-humpers said "yes." Well for a couple days
there, I half thought that maybe I had made a mistake calling them part of the "axis of evil." After all, they did cooperate with my dad and
Ronald Reagan back in 1980 to delay the release of the U.S. hostages until we shit-canned Jimmy Carter at the polls.
Well I should have known better. Earlier today, I was the victim of a diplomatic slap in the face, when those very same Iranican scum
rejected my wholly altruistic follow-up offer to dispatch more aid, provided it was accompanied by a delegation of CIA-trained
spies assigned to raise the American flag over that smoldering heap of divine mud hut rubble once known as Bam. BAM! [laughs]
It's almost hard to believe those people once played so nice with my favorite FOX News correspondent Ollie North, buying all those guns and stuff
so that Poppy and Uncle Ronnie could clandestinely funnel money to those South American terrorists down in Dixie.
The American delegation would have been lead by North Carolina carpetbagger Elizabeth Dole, along with a member of my immediate family –
either my lovely wife Laura or one of our nubile twin daughters.
Noelle had volunteered, but her probation prohibits her getting that close to all those Afghan poppy fields. Of course, while it's all moot now,
I'm sure they would have done fabulous work, venturing deep into the heart of Satan's desert armpit equipped only with X-10 wireless satellite
cameras and laser-guided missiles artfully re-engineered to be indistinguishable from black Playtex Cross-Your-Heart bullet bras. But would those
those bearded, Ayatoga-wearing cleric queers allow themselves even an eyeful of sweet, porcelain-skinned Christian cleavage?
No, they keep their women folk covered up better than Dick Cheney's energy taskforce sweetheart deals.
It's all very sad, really. At this very moment, those backward Persianrugistanians could be enjoying a whole truckload of surplus Canadian beef, tubs
of Cheez Whiz, tons of free MAXIM subscriptions, and a Costco family-sized bucket of Neosporin – not to mention thousands of bacon sandwiches
imprinted with scripture – but the stupid loonybird ragheads said "No." So to them I say "phooey!" My only regret is that it was
the Lord who dispensed righteous vengeance, and not me once we discovered the plutonium Liddy was gonna plant on them behind their backs.
Oh well. Next time. And, knowing how wrathful my Lord is, there will be a next time. BAM! [laughs]
Thank you, and good day.
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White House Information:
