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THE WHITE HOUSE
Newsroom
2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001
12.31.2004: The Tsunami Disaster: President Bush Announces America's Stepped-Up Commitment to Disabusing the United Nations of Any Rude Delusions of Non-Worthlessness
12.29.2004: The Tsunami Disaster: President Magnanimously Sacrifices Ten Minutes of Christmas Vacation to Pledge Aid Totaling 3% of His Campaign Commercial Budget
12.25.2004: The Official 2004 White House Christmas Card: Divine Season's Greetings from America's God-Appointed Royal Dynasty
12.21.2004: Keeping Christ in Christmas: First Lady Laura Bush Responds to Outraged E-mails from America's Cruelly Oppressed Christian Zealot Juggernaut
12.17.2004: Statement by the President Prior to Signing Legislation Improving America's Defenditude Through Sweeping Ensmartenizing of the Intelligenciary
12.13.2004: Letter From Bernard Kerik Formally Withdrawing From Answering Questions From Some Lousy Goody Two Shoes Sticking Their Fat Noses Where They Ain't Got No Business Anyhow
12.10.2004: MEDIA ALERT: Corrected Transcript Of Secretary Rumsfeld's Friendly, Non-Contentious Bull Session With Joyous, 100% Gung-Ho National Guardsmen In Kuwait
12.07.2004: What's Playing on iPod One? Kids From Coast to Coast Can't Get Enough of President Bush's Hand-Picked Soundtrack for Über-Patriotic Living!
12.04.2004: The 105th Army-Navy Football Game: Full Text of President Bush's Pre-Coin Toss Remarks to Assembled Enlisted Cannon Fodder
11.30.2004: 2004 FENCE-MENDING TOUR: President's Statement Advising People of Canadia to Lose the Attitude And Make Like a Nice Little 51st State
11.24.2004: President Bush Offers Congratulations to House Majority Leader Tom Delay on His Formalized Immunity to Ethics and the So-Called Law
11.21.2004: 2004 APEC SUMMIT: President Bush's Heartfelt Remarks to the Chilesian People Offering Insincere Thanks for Their Uppity Pride and Lousy Hospitality
11.17.2004: Official Transcript of President Bush's Late Night, Totally Non-Partisan Telephone Call to Pennsyltucky "Republican" Senator Arlen Specter
11.16.2004: Statement by President Bush Naming Dr. Condoleezza Rice Heir to the Position of "Colored Secretary of State No One Pays Any Attention To"
11.10.2004: Letter from Attorney General John Ashcroft Resigning His Position as America's Top Muslamoid Gulag Warden and Defender From Civil Liberties
11.07.2004: Heartfelt Statement by President Bush Eulogizing the Annoyingly Tenacious Life and Principles of Palestiniac Rat Man Yasser Arafat
11.03.2004: VICTORY 2004: President's Acceptance Speech Inviting the 55 Million America-Haters Who Voted Against God's Will to Bend Over and Take It Like a Prison Bitch
10.30.2004: President Bush Urges Voters To Kindly Disregard the Fugitive Psychopathic Caveman Brazenly Promising the Mass Extermination of Americans
10.28.2004: World Series Statement: President Bush Advises Ecstatic Northeasterners to Savor Their First and Last Taxachusetts Upset Victory of 2004
10.23.2004: President's Remarks to Ebony Madonna Baptist Church Offering Profound Thanks for His 100% Increase in Support Among Colored Americans
10.19.2004: Defusing the Flu Vaccine Crisis: President Unveils Patriotic Three Point Virus Survival Plan for America's Disease-Infested Geriatrics
10.14.2004: Mrs. Cheney's Irate Response to John Kerry's Cheap Debate Reference to Her Beloved Daughter's Vile and Repulsive Lifestyle Choice
10.10.2004: The REAL Jack and Emma Claire Edwards EXPOSED! Learn the SHOCKING Truth the Kerry Campaign Doesn't Want YOU to See!
10.08.2004: The Second Debate: A Voter's Guide to Translating John Kerry's Fancypants, Highfalutin Liberalese into Normal American Plain Talk
10.05.2004: The Vice Presidential Debate: Complete Transcript of Dick Cheney's Indisputably Overwhelming Trouncing of Senator John Edwards
09.30.2004: The First Debate: Transcript of President Bush's Stunning Oratorial Knockout Punch Victory Over Senator John Kerry of Faggachusetts
09.27.2004: Heroic First Ladies Laura and Barbara Bush Bravely Outflank Off-Message Guerillas and Free Speech Insurgents During Patriotically Scripted Town Hall Meeting
09.24.2004: LETTERS FROM THE FRONT LINES OF IRAQ: Active Duty Soldiers Respond to John Kerry's Shameless Attempts to Undermine Morale Through the Traitorous Articulation of Reality
09.21.2004: President's 2nd Annual Remarks to the UN General Assembly Graciously Inviting the World's Janitor Countries to Plunge the Glorious FREEDOM® Toilet That is US-Occupied Iraq
09.18.2004: President Bush's Statement Formally Refuting Unpleasant Specifics of Kitty Kelley's Best-Selling Book Which Rudely Examines Harmless Pre-1974 Narco-Hijinx
09.15.2004: White House Remarks by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Explaining All-New California Law Prohibiting Sex With Corpses – Even the Totally Hot Ones
09.13.2004: Assault Weapons Ban Lifted: President Proclaims "Free at Last, Free at Last, Thank God Almighty, We're Free to Mince Bambi Into Kibbles 'n Bits With AK-47's at Last!"
09.09.2004: Drudge Report Founder Matt Drudge: Pillar of Fair and Balanced Journalism, Takes Your Questions LIVE on "Ask the White House"
09.06.2004: President's "Get Well Soon" E-mail Greeting Card to Former President Bill Clinton on the Occasion of His Recent Quadruple Bypass Heart Surgery
09.02.2004: President Bush's Nomination Acceptance Speech to 2004 Republican National Convention Unveiling Highly Detailed Plans for Tons More Good and Way Less Evil
09.01.2004: Positive, Uplifting Keynote Address by Model Senator Zell Miller: Charming and Congenial Purveyor of Hillbilly Dixiecrat Warm Fuzzies
09.01.2004: Profound Remarks by First Twins Jenna and The Other One Bush to Republican Youth Convention Formally Declaring That Voting Stuff to be Totally Way Important
08.30.2004: Remarks by "America's Mayor" Rudolph Giuliani Welcoming Republican National Convention Delegates Deep into the Heart of Godless Pinko Liberal Sodomite Hell
08.27.2004: President Denies Affiliation With Credible Swift Boat Patriots Exercising Their Right to Speak Freely About John Kerry's Mega-Overrated Vietnam Vacation
08.24.2004: Letter from Bush/Cheney '04 Chief Counsel Benjamin Ginsberg Offering Immediate Resignation Following Revelations of Ethical and Legal Conduct
08.20.2004: Letter from Mrs. Richard Cheney to Homosexualist Governor James McGreevey Expressing Utter Disgust on Behalf of Normal Women Everywhere
08.16.2004: Responding to Hurricane Charley: President's Remarks to Floridican Voters Promising Billions in Big Government Deficit Dollars
08.13.2004: First Lady Laura Bush's Guide to Understanding So-Called Stem Cell Research and Other Kinds of Pseudoscientific Flapdoodle
08.10.2004: Complete Text of President Bush's Heartfelt Campaign Rally Remarks to Undecided Swing-State Amishese Voters
08.07.2004: President's Congratulations to His Little Brown Nephew George P. Bush on the Occasion of His Marriage to a Lanky Ann Coulter Impersonator
08.02.2004: FAITH-BASED ENTREPRENEUR ALERT: Q3 2004 Applications for Taxpayer Dollar Handouts Are Now Being Accepted!
07.30.2004: Jenna and The Other One Bush, the First Twins of the United States of America, Answer Your Questions on "Ask the White House"
07.27.2004: President's Address Heralding "National Luxury Ranch Maintenance Week" as Patriotic Alternative to Watching Sicko Democratic Hatefest in Faggachusetts
07.24.2004: President's Message to the People of France Expressing Gracious Bemusement Over Their Sixth Humiliating Thrashing by an American One-Nut Wonder
07.20.2004: Presidential Proclamation Mandating Immediate Diplomatic Reclassification of Cowardly, Magellan-Munching Filopennesians as Terrorist-Fellating Pygmy Scum
07.17.2004: His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud, Executive Policy Advisor to the President, Answers Your Questions on "Ask the White House"
07.13.2004: President's Remarks to the American Clearcutting Federation Announcing the Long-Overdue Disembowelment of Clinton-Era Wilderness Protections
07.11.2004: Text of President Bush's CANCELLED Speech to the 95th Annual Convention of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Peons
07.07.2004: Transcript of Vice President Cheney's Civil, Dignified Phone Call to Congratulate Senator John Edwards on His Selection to the Democratic Ticket
07.06.2004: Complete Text of Private Letter from First Lady Laura Bush to President George W. Bush on the Occasion of His 58th Birthday
06.29.2004: The Iraq Sovereignty Handover: President's Statement Congratulating Ambassador Paul Bremer on His Brave, Unannounced Skedaddle Outta Dodge
06.25.2004: Transcript of Long-Overdue Exchange Between Vice President Dick "Christian Values Role Model" Cheney and Rage-Consumed Liberal Senator Patrick Leahy
06.22.2004: President's Formal Farewell Letter to Connecticut Governor John Rowland on the Occasion of his Tragic Forced Resignation by Ruthless Liberal Ethics Nazis
06.20.2004: Transcript of President's Friendly Call to Ron Reagan Jr. Reminding Him What Can Happen to Alzheimer's-Predisposed Girly-Men Who Don't Keep Their Fucking Traps Shut
06.19.2004: Understanding the 9/11 Commission Statements: Vice President Cheney's Select Translations of Delusional Liberal Mumbo-Jumbo Into Patriotic Facts
06.16.2004: Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian and Personal Spiritual Advisor to the First Family, Answers Your Questions on "Ask the White House"
06.12.2004: Flag Day 2004: President Bush's Formal Proclamation on the Superior Patriotism of Conservative Persons Flaunting Gilded American Flag Lapel Pins
06.06.2004: Ronald Reagan Dead at 93: President's Statement on the Decade-Late Death of That Depends®-Wearing Hollywood Phony Who Everyone Liked Way More Than the Bushes
06.04.2004: NOW HIRING: President Bush Seeks New Director of Central Intelligence to Clean Up the Mess Left Behind by the Last of Bill Clinton's Lousy Appointees
06.03.2004: President's Armed Forces Radio Address to America's Troops on the Glorious Occasion of Their Retroactive Induction Into Eternal Martial Slavery
06.01.2004: President Bush's Warm Farewell Telegram Thanking Ahmed Chalabi for Helping Program America to Thirst for Steaming Goblets of Saddam Hussein's Blood
05.28.2004: President's Memorial Day Statement Honoring America's GI Joe Sixpacks Who Couldn't Cough Up Enough Cashola to Evade Combat Duty and Not Get Touched by an Angel of Death
05.25.2004: President's Army War College Speech Explaining Plan to Grant Iraq the FREEDOM® to Enjoy Puppet Government and Decades-Long Foreign Military Presence
05.22.2004: President and First Lady Offer Warm, Long-Distance Congratulations to the Bush Twins on the Occasion of Their Having Survived Four Long Years Amongst Intellectual Elites
05.18.2004: Commemorating Brown v. Board of Education: President Drops Election Year Hint to Negroes by Contending Solidarity With 1950's "Activist Judges"
05.15.2004: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Briefs America's FREEDOMŪ-Crusaders on Kinder, Gentler New Guidelines for Interrogating Maybe-Terrorist Trash
05.12.2004: President Bush Offers Obligatory Apology to World's Uptight Muslamiac Prudes Still Overreacting and Whining About a Little Harmless Fraternity Hazing
05.09.2004: Text of President Bush's Formal Proclamation Offering Warm Teen Mother's Day Wishes to Would-Be Users of "Plan B" Morning-After Contraceptive
05.06.2004: PRESIDENT BUSH ORDERS WARTIME DRAFT REINSTATED: ALL AMERICAN MEN & WOMEN AGED 16-45 MUST REGISTER IMMEDIATELY AT WWW.DRAFTREGISTRATION.US
05.02.2004: Letter to President Bush From Brave Armed Forces FREEDOM®-Defender Celebrating the One-Year Anniversary of the Shuttering of Iraq's "Rape Rooms"
04.30.2004: Complete Transcript of President and Vice President's Candid Oval Office Statement to the Rudely Prying National Commission on Terrorist Attacks
04.28.2004: Dennis Miller, Hilarious Conservative Celebrity, Answers Your Questions About His Fabulously Successful Talk Show on "Ask the White House"
04.27.2004: Letter from Prince Bandar Bin Sultan Dispelling Preposterous Allegations that President Bush is Saudi Arabia's Pitifully Servile Lapdog
04.25.2004: First Lady's Admonition to Pathetically Sparse Gathering of Smelly Promiscuous Feminazis Plotting the Wholesale Extermination of America's Womb Boogers
04.22.2004: ATTENTION ALL KIDS! Republican Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist Has Lost His Kitty Cat, and Needs YOUR Help to Find It!
04.20.2004: Remembering the Gun Victims of Columbine: Vice President Cheney's Moving Address to the National Rifle Association's Annual Convention
04.18.2004: President Announces He Will Enthusiastically Back Some Famous Jock's Morbidly Porcine Man-Child for Pennsyltucky's 17th District
04.15.2004: President Bush Wholeheartedly Endorses Ariel Sharon's Latest Diplomatic Strategy for the Global Enragement of Muslamian Vermin
04.13.2004: President Holds Prime Time Press Conference to Rekindle America's Fast-Declining Faith in Conspicuous Ineptitude and Planetary Chaos
04.11.2004: White House Releases President Bush's Personal Copy of Declassified Daily Intelligence Briefing for August 6th, 2001
04.08.2004: National Security Advisor Dr. Condoleezza Rice Offers Useful Tips on How to Talk for Three Hours and Say Absolutely Nothing
04.05.2004: Vice President Cheney Issues Stern Reprimand to White House Staffers Over Rampant and Illicit Perusal of Steamy Lezbo Erotica
04.02.2004: Karen Hughes, Senior Advisor to the President, Answers Your Questions About Her Fair and Balanced New Memoir, Only on "Ask the White House"
03.31.2004: Remarks by Former President George H.W. Bush Denouncing So-Called Intellectuals Too Dense to Notice America's Wondrous Progress in Iraq
03.30.2004: President Commemorates Anniversary of Botched Reagan Shooting Which Nearly Begat a Gloriously Elongated George H.W. Bush Reign
03.27.2004: The Gas Price Crisis: President's Remarks Celebrating Americans' Patriotic Privilege to Invest Our "Tax Relief" in Oil Baron Vacation Chateaus
03.24.2004: The 2004 Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner: Full Text of President Bush's Uproariously Hysterical Stand-Up Comedy Routine
03.22.2004: Dr. Condoleezza Rice Releases Transcript of Disputed Conversation With Former Clinton Terrorist Appeasement Czarina Richard Clarke
03.19.2004: President's Letter Expressing Disappointment Over Polishese President Aleksander Kwasniewski's Lamentable Flash of Higher Cognition
03.18.2004: Mrs. Richard Cheney, Second Lady of the United States, Answers Your Questions on "Ask the White House"
03.16.2004: President's Message to the Socialist Kingdom of Spain Regarding Its Fraidy-Cat Decision to Rejoin Old Europe and Flip America the Bird
03.14.2004: President Extends Congratulations on the Blessed Union of Newly Divorced First Brother Neil Bush and His Longtime Adultery Consort
03.10.2004: Women's History Month 2004: A Presidential Proclamation on the Cuteness of Letting Girlies Pretend to Matter and Stuff
03.07.2004: The Committee to Re-Elect Bush/Cheney in 2004 Proudly Releases First Television Commercial Scripts of the General Presidential Campaign Season
03.03.2004: Transcript of President Bush's Phone Call Offering Super Tuesday Congratulations to Presumptive Democratic Nominee Senator Lurch Dukakis
03.01.2004: President Urges Haiti's Would-Be Boat People to Beware the Terrifying Voodoo Curse That Lays Waste All Who Dare Trespass Near Pivotal Florida Counties
02.26.2004: First Lady Reassures Cranklepuss Jews That They Needn't Fret Over Their Flatteringly Accurate Portrayal in Mel Gibson's Fantastic New Movie
02.25.2004: GOP ACTION ALERT: Demonstrate Your Support for President Bush's Proposed Queer Marriage Ban With This Patriotic Poster
02.22.2004: The Formal Last Will and Testament of Spot "Spotty" Bush: Beloved First Springer Spaniel of the United States
02.20.2004: Clarence Thomas, United States Supreme Court Justice, Answers Your Questions on "Ask the White House"
02.18.2004: Clarifying America's Economic Forecast: President's Statement Confidently Predicting That 2004's New Jobs Will Total No Fewer Than... LOTS!
02.15.2004: President's Message to Newly Betrothed San Francisco Sodomites: You Have Ruined Valentines Day for Normals by Daring to Fall in Love
02.11.2004: Defusing AWOLgate: Ten Ethically Spotless Witnesses Corroborate Details of President Bush's Story of How Honorably He Evaded Vietnam
02.08.2004: President Bush on Meet the Press: Complete Transcript of Oval Office Interview Conducted by NBC's Tim Russert
02.06.2004: CIA Director George Tenet's Rousing Speech to Georgetown University Dutifully Chomping Juicy Political Turd Over WMD Intel "Oopsie"
02.05.2004: Redefining Broadcast Obscenity: FCC Chairman Michael Powell Unveils Strict New Guidelines for Defending American Puritanism
02.03.2004: TERROR CODE RED! Liberal Publisher Steals Top-Secret White House Employee Handbook, Creating Trecherous Sleeper Cells of Reality in Bookstores Throughout Nation!
01.30.2004: President Bush Releases Corrected Version of Lead U.S. Weapons Inspector David Kay's Testimony to the Senate Armed Services Committee
01.27.2004: President's Letter to Former Democratic Front-Runner Howard Dean Offering Sincere Condolences on the Humiliating Implosion of His Hippy Campaign
01.23.2004: Joint Statement by Vice President Cheney and Justice Scalia Vigorously Defending the Propriety of Their Extracurricular Commingling
01.22.2004: Transcript of President's Warmly Derisive, Folksily Sarcastic, and Playfully Non-Evasive Banter With Members of the Liberally Biased Press Pool
01.20.2004: The 2004 State of the Union Address: Complete Transcript of President Bush's Speech to Congress and the Nation
01.15.2004: MARS 2050: President Bush Unveils Ambitious Strategy for Preemptive Democratization and Wholesale Americanization of the Cosmos
01.12.2004: President Commands Former Sec. Paul "Bitter Fruitcake" O'Neill to Return All Mega-Secret Documents Protecting America From Total Destruction
01.08.2004: ATTENTION NEW MEXI-RICAN GOP VOTERS! Padre Bush Announces New "Sombrero Loophole" in Homeland Security for Millions of Law-Breaking Foreigners
01.06.2004: President Bush's Letter to Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig Lobbying for Pete Rose's Prompt Induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame
01.03.2004: President Bush Responds to Iran's Rejection of His Magnanimous Offer to Help Evildoer Scum Recover From Their God-Prescribed Tectonic Punishment
2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001

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