PRESIDENT'S REMARKS TO ASSEMBLED JEWFOLK GRACIOUSLY TOLERATING THEIR RUDE REFUSAL TO CELEBRATE CHRIST'S BIRTH AFTER HAVING GONE AND MURDERED HIM
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. You may be seated. Me and Laura want to welcome all you Hebrew-talking folks to the White House. You know,
since Ari Fleischer left, the closest we've come to having any Jewstifarians around here is when John Ashcroft
gets to belting out Fiddler on the Roof tunes while doing his business in the little boys room.
(Applause.)
You oughta hear him some time. Why, he sings
so much like a little angel, you just can't help but wonder whether or not the Good Lord done went and made America's
top cop a bona fide soprano gelding!
Anyhoo, I've asked the photographers here this evening because I'm told you all are smack dab in the middle of
Hanukkah,
which officials in the White House Department of Faith tell me is just a fancy Hebrewish word for "Celebrate the
Murder of Christ." In any case, you folks still have the right to practice your peculiar faith here in America.
And I'm bound to respect that, even though it strikes me as a bit odd that I am up here lighting this
Mendora thing, when Christians are not yet free to ignite crosses in Israel. But that day will come. Oh yes, indeed!
And so, my hairy sideburned friends, who only follow the first half of the Bible
(and the parts that won't get you jail time in any place but Texas) I am glad and thankful that the holiday you invented
is giving you something to keep you busy while all the real Americans who aren't going to get their unbelieving
non-Christian butts fried in hell are doing their part to toady up to the man you murdered nearly 2,000 years ago.
Bible-beliving folks like myself, while spiritually revolted by your continued failure to listen to
common sense, nevertheless accept that it is
in every Fundamentalist Christian's self interest to see that you all live
long enough for Jesus to swoop down from his cloud dwelling home in the sky and exterminate your entire race as payback
for what you did to Him. The Bible tells us in Matthew 13:49-50, "So it shall be at the end of the world: the angels
shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall
be wailing and gnashing of teeth!" That "furnace of fire" part might be politically incorrect, and make some of you
folks feel a bit queasy but I'm afraid those are God's promises and my religious beliefs. I ask you to respect them,
even as I feign respect for your own. Thank You.
Friends, that's why today,
my Administration sets aside – however momentarily – our absolute glee in having the Lord's assurance that every
last Israeloid who doesn't renounce their false religion and embrace ours is going to burn like a never-melting candle
of sizzling flesh, forever tortured in a bubbling lake of red-hot lava.
Now I don't want to preach, but this is the eve of my Savior's birthday, and I feel spiritually inclined to use this
sensitive time to proselytize. I'm no Franklin Graham, but I'll do my best.
My dreidel spinning friends, You can avoid an eternity of being burned alive over and over again by making sure your name
is written in God's "A" list, the book of life. And the only way to get on that list is to sell your soul to Jesus Christ.
And so tonight, as we prepare to light the silly candles on this thing that looks like one of Liberace's candelabras, and in
pretend deference to you people, who without Jesus in your lives are nothing, I ask each and every one of you to bow your
heads with me and pray along…
Dear Lord Jesus,
I'm sorry that my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa killed your son 2,000 years ago.
That same sinful blood is running through my veins today. I ask that you forgive me. I know it is too late for all
of my ancestors, who are burning in hell right now for picking the wrong religion. Come into my life and save me!
I believe that you are the Messiah that was promised to the Jewish people, and we were just too plain stupid to see
it at the time. I'm taking a stand tonight. I ask you to forgive me for my sins, and I accept you as my Lord and
Personal Savior. I promise to take this silly cotton cap off of my head and get my good-for-nothing self into a
Bible believing church next Sunday where I will make a public profession of faith, and get myself baptized. Thank
you Jesus! And Thank You Mr. President, for leading me to Christ, on my false holiday, Hanukkah, which I will no
longer celebrate, A-men.
And now, let all Christians also have the boldness to speak out the truth on false holidays. And pray that we can
reconcile our fervent desire to prosthelytize and convert with the need to keep enough people practicing
false religions that will never be eligible for taxpayer disbursements from the Department of Faith-Based Living.
(The menorah is lighted.)
(Applause.)
In closing, I know that some of my dear friends in the televangelism industry will be dismayed to learn that yours truly
has participated in an anti-Christ ritual. Well don't be, brothers! I just took advantage of equal time to tell folks about the only real religion!
I've also spent time
with the king of the Mary Worshippers, and even invited unsaved Muslamians over and endured the charade of their
Iftaar thing. I'll let you in on a little secret; we talk more about Jesus, than we do about politics.
And I've won more than my fair share of souls! Hell, next year might even bring
in some Hindusians and take turns making out with a heifer. In short, none if means anything, and don't you forget it!
Thank you, and Merry Christmas to all, and Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!
(Applause.)
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White House Information:
