THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. In recent days, Americans have looked on with disconcerting interest as a dark political cloud has settled over the Executive Branch. News that Halliburton, the vast Houston-based conglomerate for which I previously served as CEO, has shown its gratitude for all those multi-billion dollar, no-bid Iraq contracts I tossed it by systematically bilking the American taxpayers through overcharging hundreds of millions of dollars is vexing to me personally – if for no other reason than I specifically told them we have to stop doing that for a couple years.

But look, I'm a realist, and as such, I recognize we're at a point here where something needs to be done to contain the PR meltdown over Halliburton. I mean, if the GOP could spend six years and $52 Million investigating the Clintons over a lousy $300K land loan, who's to say what kind of trouble the Democrats will stir up if they ever pull their thumbs out of their manginas and start doing their jobs!

(Laughter.)

I know, I know. It's not like anyone would listen if they did, now that we own the news media lock, stock, and barrel. That's right, we Nixon boys learned a thing or two from Watergate, and while it may have taken three decades to execute, our strategy for castrating the domestic journalist population has worked out just fine, thank you very much.

Even so, it's like my darling wife Lynne always says: "You can never be too thorough when it comes to rewriting your own history, because just when you think everyone's forgotten the details of your sordid past, some cretin goes and digs up that hot lezbo romance novel you penned twenty-two years ago."

That's why today, I want the American people to take solace in the knowledge that while Halliburton may still send me deferred compensation checks for millions of dollars each and every year, that I remain completely and utterly impartial in this matter – however fundamentally contrary to the very definition of "conflict of interest" the circumstances may be. Indeed, while Halliburton may be my very own lap dog of a company, never let it be said that I'm the kind of pet owner who stands by and does nothing days after watching his Pit Bull take a big dump on a neighbor's lawn after tearing out the throat of their toddler.

Well no sir, you have to be proactive – and as soon as the rest of the cul de sac finally catches on and starts whispering about your dog named "Fang," you have to do the right thing... and change the nametag on his collar to "Cuddles."

(Applause.)

And so today, let it be known throughout the land that as much as it pains me to the bone, in light of my former company's egregiously indiscreet accounting, that the Bush Administration shall no longer hand out gazillion-dollar contracts exclusively to Halliburton. No, going forward, we will also make it a principled point to serve an equal number of similarly lucrative deals to the not-so-nearly-well-known-as-crooked KBR (Kellogg, Brown and Root).

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless American gullibility.

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help