PRESIDENT'S SURPRISE THANKSGIVING REMARKS TO TROOPS DURING HIS BRAVE, 150-MINUTE, AFTER-DARK JAUNT TO THE MAXIMUM-SECURITY HEART OF THE "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" ZONE
Remarks by the President to the Troops
Baghdad Airport, Iraq
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you! Thank you! It's great to be here in Baghdad! Well, this impenetrable all-American Christian oasis that
just happens to be in Baghdad, anyway.
Hope my popping in for a few campaign photos isn't too inconvenient, boys. Besides, I was looking for a warm Thanksgiving dinner that
wasn't cooked by the old ball and chain. Now don't get me wrong – Laura's Smoked Freedom Fowl is
plenty tasty – but all the Parliament Menthol ashes in her gravy give me the Hershey Squirts something awful.
Now as you lowly grunts are no doubt acutely aware, today is Thanksgiving, a day when white Republicans with enough money and connections to get out of
active combat duty gather comfortably in their sprawling homes to indulge in the uniquely American art of gluttony. On this day, we give thanks
that Jesus saw fit to help us kill the Injuns and become the most powerful and super-superior nation on Earth. And this year in particular, we are also
thankful that you military folk are here in Iraq, obediently following my orders to sink deeper into geopolitical quicksand so that America's petrochemical
industry can reap the rewards of 21st century imperialism.
You know, now that I think about it, this is the second best Thanksgiving Day surprise I ever done pulled – after that one time back in '76 when
my frat brother Ogre came down to Midland. After dinner, me and him got so wasted on Jägermeister that when Ogre was all "Hump
the gobbler!", I was all "Bitchen!" Well you can just imagine the look on the Missus' face when she stumbled in for a refill and saw me, pants around my ankles,
hooting and hollering as I showed that greasy, piping-hot hen carcass what it means to be loved by a real Bushman. Surprise, Pickles! Har, Har! But this here
surprise, well, wow, man. I gotta hand it to Karl for cooking this one up.
That is why today, I bring a message on behalf of America: we stand solidly behind our troops – no matter what. No matter that
there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No matter that there was no connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda. No matter that Osama and Saddam
are still at large, laughing at us. No matter that Afghanistan has been virtually abandoned and is slowly reverting back to Taliban control. And
most of all, no matter that there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Because when any true American says "I Support Our Troops" - what
he's really saying is, "GEORGE W. BUSH IS 100% PERFECT AND NEVER MAKES GINORMOUS MISTAKES AND TO EVEN SUGGEST OTHERWISE IS NO DIFFERENT FROM
FLICKING A BOOGER IN THE OPEN MOUTH OF A CRIPPLED WAR HERO!"
Speaking personally, I want to express my thanks to those few dozen of you enlisted folks who haven't yet complained on camera to the hippy
news media about what a big old clusterfuck this mission has turned into. You know, about how after squashing the Iraqi army and their fearsome
arsenal of M-80's and BB guns, absolutely nothing has gone anything like I said it would? I really do appreciate it. Fortunately, we can all be
thankful that some voters are buying this neat-o new argument that we are fighting terrorists here instead of at home. Next year we're applying this logic to
the War on Drugs – by invading Argentina and killing their women and children before any more yummy cocaine finds its way back
into the false bottom of my monogrammed Waterman fountain pen. All in the name of FREEDOM®!
You know, as I was making my high speed corkscrew descent a few minutes ago under cover of night in my ultra-luxury 747, I couldn't help but think
how lousy it must be to not only be in this Mulamian armpit during daylight, but to also actually be exposed to genuine Iraqi rabble. And that, my friends,
is precisely why I'm high-tailing it out of here this evening after only 150 minutes on the ground.
In closing, I don't know how many of you will survive to see your smiling faces in my potently narcotic campaign commercials, but hear me now:
your blind loyalty will pay off in the long haul. By allowing me to emotionally molest you children on the day of the year when you are most
vulnerable, when all you want is the warm embrace of family instead of a car bomb lotto ticket, you have given me an early X-mas present in
the form of a sexy photo shoot that is politically bulletproof – something that your flak jackets and HumVees only sort of are.
So smile pretty, because together, I will win in November – and that means the Southern Military Welfare State will continue to gorge on its
nearly $400 Billion budget. So everybody wins – poor folks who depend on the armed forces for the money to theoretically go to school and
improve their pathetic, tacky lots in life... and us Princes of New England, who rightfully lead just as we were born to. Lead from BEHIND
the battle lines, mind you.
OK, have the FOX boys in the custom-truncated news pool got the damned pictures yet? Good. Let's hit the road.