OVERHAULING MEDICARE: PRESIDENT APPLAUDS CONGRESS FOR COURAGEOUSLY ENTRUSTING GRANNY & GRAMPA'S CONFUSED TWILIGHT YEARS TO AMERICA'S BENEVOLENT CANCER PROFITEERS
Statement by the President
The Venetian Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas NV
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. I can't tell you how pickled I am to be back in Las Vegas. You know it's been twenty years,
but it seems like just yesterday that me and my oil business buddies were flying out here for monthly three-day conferences. Funny thing
is, I always remembered arriving at the Golden Nugget bar, but then the next thing I'd know, I was waking up on my driveway back
in Midland with Laura hosing the puke and stripper glitter out of my hair.
Yeah, we've all been there. Anyway, I wanted to take just a few minutes away from today's millionaire-packed fund-raiser to say
a few words about the wonderful new Medicare bill that has just been passed back in Washington DC.
Now, for some reason that I remain unable to fathom, America's impoverished geriatrics are hopelessly hung up on the stupid idea
that the federal government owes them something. This, when they're already getting Social Security checks almost big enough to keep
plenty of cat food on the table – not to mention discounted matinee tickets to the latest Mel Gibson Christianity epic.
But no, they want more. Specifically, free drugs.
Don't I know it! Unfortunately, oldsters are also so bored and lonely, they're among the only people who actually bother to hobble on
over to smelly public school gymnasiums every Election Day and vote. And that, my friends, is why I had no choice but to promise
them that I'd do something to make it look like they're going to get what they're pining for. Well today, with this Medicare bill, we have accomplished just that.
Before I forget, I want to quickly thank the New and Improved AARP for supporting this bill. Whoever had the brilliant idea to install loyal neoconservative
footsoldier Bill Novelli over there, somebody give that dude a gift certificate to the Bunny Ranch. And when he comes back, let's keep
the momentum going, and appoint the re-animated corpse of J. Edgar Hoover as Director of the ACLU.
Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to waste, but I wanted to give a little shout out to Dr. Bill Frist and the rest of my GOP posse. You
passed a fine bill, boys. A real work of art, in fact. Why, I'll be damned if it doesn't swipe the bleeding heart policy carpet
right out from under the Donkeycrats' feet! It lines the pockets of our dear golfing partners from the pharmaceutical and
HMO industries. It excavates deep beneath the fragile foundations of Lyndon Johnson's hideous Socialist mosque to guarantee
Medicare's total collapse within ten years. And most importantly, the sucker doesn't even go into effect until 2006! That way, I
can go out on the re-election stump and tell those Depends®-wearing skeletons I actually did something other than
bend them over their walkers, slip in a Roofie suppository, and let our corporate pals go rifling through their billfolds and macrame
Of course, we do this all in the grand Capitalist tradition of CHOICE. Why? Because all good Americans deserve choice. They
deserve to be able to beg for nominal benefits from different for-profit health care providers instead of having comprehensive coverage from just one
bloated, quasi-Scandinavian governmental agency. Indeed, they deserve to have their health emergencies inadequately addressed not by Washington bureaucrats,
but by call centers staffed with the best and brightest teenagers Calcutta has to offer!
In closing, I want to thank the nice folks here at the Venetian Hotel and Casino for providing
this lovely fund-raiser banquet hall. I gotta say, this joint is pretty hot. It's just like that famous Italian city in the
postcards, except instead of having a whole bunch of canals filled with dago shit water, it's got just one canal – and it's
filled with beautiful blue-green pool water. That, and I don't have to stand anywhere near Silvio Berlusconi's personal
cloud of anchovy halitosis.
Nobody tell the Christian Coalition, but as soon as my little gig as a pretend Warrior of Righteousness is over, I'm selling
that dump in Crawford and moving to Sin City. I hear my pal Michael Jackson has
a sweet condo near the mall in this very hotel, and that he might soon be looking to sell – CHEAP!
Thanks, and have a great day.