SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Good morning. Today, with President Bush still touring the Oriental nations, I have been asked to help clear up a little misunderstanding which you liberal press yahoos are trying to use to inflict a grievous political wound on this Godly administration. Specifically, your silly-dilly outrage over recent comments about Arabiacs by my Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, General William G. Boykin. But instead of talking about this myself, I thought you boys should hear it straight from the horse's mouth. That's why I am proud to present Lt. General William G. Boykin himself to answer your questions. Take it away, Jerry.

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: Thank you, Mr. Secretary. It's my pleasure to be here today. Let's begin. You, fiery-haired grandmother of the engorged porcelain bosom.

MS. THOMAS: Thank you, Mister Lt. General. You have repeatedly been quoted telling church audiences that your mission is "a battle with Satan," and that "we're a Christian nation, because our foundation and our roots are Judeo-Christian ... and the enemy is a guy named Satan." How do you respond to charges that these remarks are not only divisive, but also serve to inflame and propagate religious hatred?

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: How do I respond? War is hatred, cup of pudding. I mean no ill will to these Islamian cockroaches. I say, they have the freedom to worship whatever idols they wish to worship. No matter how false or ridiculous. They also have a right to instantaneously disintegrate before my archangel's blade. I do not spread… religious hatred. I spread religious purity. Like boiling water. Kills the impurities. Clean water. Water to wash your hands in. Sanctify your hands, your holy hands. Yes. Clean. Jesus washed the feet of whores. My feet are clean. Where I walk, my footprints pool with the blood of the enemy. Muslims are Christians who don't know that until I send them to hell.

MR. KING: Back in January, while describing a Muslim man to a Daytona church congregation, you were quoted as saying, "I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol." Is it wise for a senior military officer to denounce a major world religion as "false?"

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: You speak of wisdom? Let me ask you a question, trembling donut: what is truth? The one true lord Jesus Christ? Bingo, my friend. Bingo. Is Mohamma-rama-ding-dong truth? There is truth and there is not truth. So is he false? Is the sun false? Yes, I say, when it's a splotch of mustard swirled over and over and over again on orders that tell me to kill only the enemy and not his mother or his children or his wife or his brother or his livestock or his neighbor. If their God is true, why does he make it so easy and pleasurable for me to incinerate them all?

MR. FINEMAN: When not on duty, you are known to regularly address church groups while wearing your Army dress uniform. In light of the uproar over your religiously incendiary remarks, do you think that it's appropriate for you to continue that practice?

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: Little cream puff. If you saw the world as it was, a world sanitized by hot lead like tears hurtling outward from my eyes, you'd shriek for your mother, your poor mother, whom I protected from the rapists. Would you have me crawl out of my skin and present myself to the faithful sinew and bone and muscle? I sleep in this uniform. I am this uniform. It wears me. And God save you, you cannot handle the world as He made it, the world as He loves it. Pray with me. On your knees. Pray that Armageddon ignores your faithlessness.

MR. LEWIS: On yet another occasion, you described a dark smudge on a photo of the predominantly Muslim city of Mogadishu by saying, "This is your enemy. It is the principalities of darkness. It is a demonic presence in that city that God revealed to me as the enemy." My question is, does God really talk to you, and if so, can you tell us some other things that He has personally revealed to you?

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: God does not speak to me. His voice is a hundred thousand screaming trumpets that would shatter your skull. You know coconuts, coconuts… how a coconut… it's hairy like a human skull and you take a machete to it and it's filled with flesh and milk. God shows me things. He shows me the universe in a handful of intestines. If you build your house on the rock of the Lord, and it is infested with termites, you must pulverize them all. He shows me the who and why and the how. He is the Alpha and the Omega. I float in the divine jelly of his great wet ocular sphere.

MR. COCHON: As a former Delta Force commando, can you suggest any combat techniques that are especially effective at slaying Muslim devils?

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: If I close my eyes now, I can bring fiery death to whomever He wishes me to destroy. Watch. There. Beauty. I closed my eyes and a thousand miles away, a sheet person was felled, exploded like a filth-filled piñata. My son, you are the knife. The best technique to kill these godless scum is to close your eyes and let God's savage beauty guide you to their gulping throat. The desert whispers to the righteous. And if you thirst for carnage, it will quench your thirst. Make a mighty robe of their scalps. Castrate them. Play craps with their testicles. Technique is just an means; be the end and the angels will slowly masturbate you for eternity.

MS. WEBBER: You were just recently promoted to the position of Three-Star General, and given the task of working closely with Muslims to fight the War on Terror. Now that these remarks of yours have been disseminated by Arab news outlets all over the world, do you think that it will be difficult to work with people who are outraged that you called them Satan?

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: They will work with me. The way a diseased cripple must work with his crutch. The way a dog must work with his leash. Have you ever seen a daisy cutter explode? It is a flower, a vertical flower of flame and shrapnel celebrating the Lord's gift of mayhem to his children. Satan was an angel cast from heaven. Satan is but a tool of the Lord. A pawn. I will help them find their way back to grace, even if it means them dragging themselves on their bloodied stumps over a football field of glass. They will learn. There are two bananas I offer. One is delicious. The other poison. They will learn. They do not have to like me, to learn to reach for the poison banana. I mean, the delicious one. Just one more question. Mr. Sanger.

MR. SANGER: You were recently quoted as telling an Oregon church that while President Bush may not have been elected by a majority of American voters, that "He was appointed by God." Can you clarify that statement for the record?

LT. GENERAL BOYKIN: I watch a snail crawl across the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering along the edge of a straight… razor… and surviving. I survived. I am here. You created me, you people. And who created you? Yes. And who created the President? But you were accidents, byproducts of the Lord's infallible clockwork. The President is a miracle. Anointed? Is the destructive hurricane anointed? Plagues and famines? Are they anointed? Thy will be done. Thy will be Bush. Is that simple, you soft dumplings? Scurry back under the blanket of barbed wire I swaddle you in. I protect you, regardless of your insanity. Your putrid thanklessness. Pigs. Whores. Cunts. Praise Him! May Allah shit his tunic in fear. End of session. Good day.

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