THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Yesterday, the people of California took decisive action at the polls, kicking gay-as-a-Halston-sundress Gray Davis and his skinny myna bird ass out of government once and for all. In his depraved Democratic place, we now have a real man and a REAL REPUBLICAN! Please join me in welcoming Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger!

(Applause.)

GOVERNOR-ELECT SCHWARZENEGGER: Tank you, President Boosh. It's a really honor to be here vis you und your byooteeful vife – even if she is being a stuck-up prick teaser who von't slide her finger up ze First Pussy und let me sniff it again. You know, zis is all so new und different for me, zis being elected by ze people. Az it vill be new zing for you ze next year, yah? But seriously, ven I voke up zis morning, I looked over at Maria und I said to her, "Hey Skeletor, you look like scheiße. Vy don't you make your Kennedy ass useful and polish ze Governator's cyborg pole?" Und zen she did.

You know, I am so proud to be a Republican. I know zere are some sings zat I may not agree vis ze Republican leadership on. But I know zat ze most important sing is for ve Republicans to be able to say zat ve control ze most state houses in ze country. And since Kallyfohrnia is ze biggest und ze most important of all ze states, I guess zat makes me ze fyooture of ze Republican party. Zat is vy I vanted to take a few minutes to explain ze new Republican positions on some of ze important issues:

ABORTION: I know zat up until now, because ve take all zat money from zose Christian loonies in ze Bible Belt and zose Catholic boy lickers in ze Northeaze, ve Republicans have all had to pretend zat ve don't support ze abortion. But you know, I am Ahnuld, und I believe zat I need to show ze leadership to ze people of Kallyfohrnia. Und I believe zat every child should be a vanted child, vich is vy I alvays fuck ze vaitresses, make-up artists, und Jehovaz Vitnessez zat knock on my door up in zere poopaz! Zis country don't need any more of ze child zat just happened because you und your buddies in ze gym took turns fucking some whore in ze pussy. Because sometimes ven you are coming, you are not vanting to put on a condom. You are vanting to come inside zat whore und show her who is ze Commando! Besides, ze Terminator gets to terminate vatevver he vants – und zat includes ze stupid fetuses inside all zose sluts I drill ven Maria goes to Hyannisport.

GAY RIGHTS: I never understood vy so many Republicans get so vorked up over ze homos. At ze end of ze day, ze homos are not so different. Zey like to come just like I like to come. Everybody likes to come, right? Besides, I figure zat ze more guys zat are homos, zat means zey are not competition. If I'm in ze green room at ze Jay Leno show und ze only people in zere vis me are some homo und a bitch vis a sveet slice of poontang, who's going to get it? Tom Cruise or me? Me! So speaking as someone who once let Robert Mapplethorpe take pictures of me vis my ass impaled on ze spine of a Soloflex machine, I say let ze homos do zere sing, OK?

GUN CONTROL: As both an action movie superstar und ze son of a real Nazi Commandante, I know a sing or two about ze guns, OK? If zere vas anysing zat my daddy vanted me to understand, it vas zat it's a really bad idea for ze little people to have ze guns. Sometimes he vould bounce me on his knee und say, "Ahnuld, just imagine how complicated sings vould have been if ze jews had owned guns! I vould never have been able to sving all zose babies by zere feet und smash zere heads on tree trunks if zere fathers had had zere own Rugers!" So zis is vy I sink ze gun control is very important to ze future of ze Republican Party – no matter vat all zose paranoid, vegetable-brained crackers in ze NRA say.

ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION: Before I became ze Governor of Kallyfohrnia, all ze top Republicans vas saying zat ze only vay for ze boys und ze girls to grow up und be successful is for zem to not be fucking each other until zey is married. Zat is such a steaming pile of ze scheiße! Look at Ahnuld! Ahnuld vas fucking hundreds und hundreds of ze broads before he vas married. I vaz even fucking ze old hairy mens for cash before I becomes ze movie star, so you see, fucking is good for ze economies! Und Ahnuld is not only a millionaire, he is also ze new star of ze Republican Party! Zat is vy next year, ven I am asked to be ze keynote speaker at ze big convention in New York City, I am going to flush all zat "family values" garbage down ze toilet und tell ze boys zat if zey really vant to be 21st century Republicans, zey had better start giving zere teachers ze serious purple-nurples on zere titties und chasing ze major hair pie!

CUTTING TAXES: If zere's one sing zat convinced me zat ze Republican Party is ze party for me, it vas ze philosophy of tax cuts for all ze people who make ze millions und billions of dollars per year. I mean, who cares if all ze schools are crumbling und ze roads are filled vis ze potholes. Anybody who is anybody is havinz zere Mexican help driving ze next generation to kindergarten in a Hummer anyvay!

Tank you! Und God Bless America!

(Applause.)

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NOTE: "Arnold Coming" video courtesy nilsparker.com.