THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Though I usually make it a point not to sully the sanctity of the Lord's Day by addressing the press, today I'm pulling myself away from my sixteen-hour DirecTV^® NFL Sunday Ticket^TM to briefly make an exception. You see, late last week Senator Ted Kennedy – that gasping pigbeast king of the liberals – launched a vicious and baseless attack against yours truly. And while I won't validate his traitorous remarks by repeating them, suffice it say that Ted has dared to suggest that my facts-free fixation on toppling Saddam Hussein had anything to do with anything other than... um... like, you know, that whole "freedom" thingy people seem to clap for whenever my speech writers have me talk about it every ten minutes.

I guess Ted didn't get the memo mandating that all Congressional Democrats have to make like that chubby chaser in Silence of the Lambs, and keep their man bits tucked between their legs so the only thing voters can see are some little slivers of hair pie. Man I love that flick! You know it's Jody Foster's second best movie ever – right after the one that almost made my daddy President seven years early. But I digress. Back to Ted.

I am just so disappointed in him. I thought I could count on Ted to play nice. Why, it seems like only yesterday when he broke with the rest of his party of Godless asswipes to help me push through my "No Child Left Behind" initiative. Thanks to Ted, this program – inspired by the best-selling Left Behind Wal-Mart apocalyptic paperbacks – is taking education out of the hands of atheists who believe our great-great-grandparents were feces-flinging baboons, and putting it into the rightful, snake-handling hands of GOP-supporting fundamentalist churches.

But now, despite his earlier facade of docile obedience, Ted Kennedy has decided to show his true colors. And ladies and gentlemen, it seems clear from his impudent inquisitiveness that those colors are NOT red, white, and blue. Why, do you know that Ted had the gall to call my Iraq policy "adrift?" What's that supposed to mean? Adrift like the hair of that drowned hooker he intentionally drove into the ocean at Chappaquiddick? Adrift like his own skeleton in that gelatinous mound of subcutaneous pus he calls a body? Earth to Ted! Ever hear the expression, "People who live in glass houses?"

Speaking of which, I just can't believe I ever had Ted over to mi casa to watch that movie Thirteen Days. It was all about his dead brother who was too chicken to open a can of nukular whoopass on those commie SOB's down in Cuba. Afterwards, me and Ted made all kissy face for the photogs, and I even got to nip at his hip flask. Hell, I thought he'd sold me his brother's entire legacy – just without all the civil rights, welfare, and optimisim crap. But now Ted goes and stabs me in the back, just like Brutus did to Popeye!

Fortunately, the news media can be counted on to swiftly bury Senator Kennedy's assertions beneath an avalanche of breathless updates on that poor, poor white girl who had to learn the hard way what happens when you let colored fellas like Kobe Bryant charm you into suppressing your natural instinct to hose him down with pepper spray.

That's why today, I wanted to make sure I get the last word on this matter by stating that I think Senator Kennedy's assertions – both about me invading Iraq just to give my tumbling approval ratings a boost AND the thing about bribing all those countries to pretend to be part of my coalition – are completely and utterly uncivil. Note that I didn't say they were "untrue" – just "uncivil." It's kinda the same thing as being drunk at a frat party and walking up to some heinous chick at 2 a.m. and telling her you'll bag her, but only if she wears a paper bag on her head. It's uncivil, but it's not entirely untrue either.

And so there you have it. Kennedy bad. Me good. Iraq invasion justified and legitimate. Case closed. Back to football.

Thank you.

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